Monday, February 01, 2016

UPDATE ON THE NEW ARRIVAL

Romeo had been with us, what, eight weeks nearly.

I'm getting my head around his schooling, which in fostering there's a lot of onus on us as foster parents to help and support. This doesn't mean you have to know how to do multiple fractions or conjugate irregular verbs, it's more about encouraging book learning in them.

Not easy. I've yet to meet a foster chid who had maximised their potential academically, they always seem to need help. I've heard stories of bright children in care, and somehow they are all bright, in a sharp way, but it doesn't translate into their reading writing and arithmetic.

The first job is to get them there every morning. Romeo never wants to go. Which of us ever really did? You make a nice warm loving home for a damaged child then tell them they've got to go sit on a hard chair and work hard only to be reminded they're unsatisfactory. Then they're turfed out into the playground where they never seem to have much fun.

Still we're stuck with the system and we've a job to do. I lay his school clothes out on his chair the night before, give him a treat if he dresses himself, cleans his teeth and does his shoes (note to self, get him a new pair of shoes WITH VELCRO). He knows that his breakfast, a slice of toast is wrapped in tinfoil keeping warm on his booster seat in the car, a small inducement, every little helps.

He gets there every morning in the end, does it better with each passing week, but there's still a ways to go.

He's due a PEP. This is when the professionals get together with the foster parent and the child's school to work out what extra they need. There's extra money for a school to spend on a looked-after child, they can get private tutorials, guitar lessons, art materials. I always ask what can be done to help their self-esteem as it seems to me to be the biggest thing holding back their desire to do well in life; they don't think they're worth it. Schools aren't much good at self-esteem frankly. One school, I asked them if they could pin one of my foster boy's paintings up in the hall, they had a little gallery and his work wasn't bad. I saw it up and went to look. It had a sign under it saying:
"Inspired by a lesson held by Mr Smith". I kid you not at all.
Mr Smith is a volunteer "art teacher" who comes in and obviously has more self esteem needs than a child in care. 

I've managed to persuade the school to hold off giving him homework. It was beating him up and doing harm. I wonder if it ever does any good? But we've started reading. He knows his bedtime, he knows he can get an extra half hour if he lets me read to him. Thank goodness there are writers like Anthony Horowitz, I actually enjoy the story as much as Romeo does.

If, one day, he reads for pleasure himself, it'll be good job done by me and Ant.

Meantime, everything else is okay. The little fella is joining in with family stuff. Last Sunday we all sat around and watched a film with the rain beating down outside. The film was about half an hour in, everyone had popcorn and there was a coal fire. Romeo suddenly got up and ran out. We let him go. Seen this before; he was happy and that made him feel guilty.  He crept back later.

I'm going to try to chat with his mother at this week's contact.






9 comments:

  1. Oh this is all good and useful stuff to me. I'm stashing it away like a squirrel hoarding nuts for the winter. Thanks! Helen

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  2. Sounds like Romeo has the best support!
    Our oldest boy must be unusual- he loves school! Makes mornings much easier, he wants to be early so he can play with his friends before school starts and is a whizz at maths, faster than a calculator! Needs some encouragement with reading and writing but loves being read to. He's got his SATs mocks this week and came out today after an English exam feeling like a failure. I have to say I don't agree with the testing and measuring system, think it sets all but the best (book learners and with generally a secure background) up to feel like failures, and why bother when your best effort still gets a low mark?!
    Younger ones not so keen but getting much better, and school has commented that both of them are much calmer and more settled,which is lovely!
    I don't know how they hold it together- their mum has turned up to one contact (last week)and promised she'd come today and yet again they've been let down. So sad watching the oldest try to find excuses for her like she must have forgotten! Took a lot of restraint last week to say hi with a smile rather than give her a piece of my mind for what she's putting them through. My job is just to pick up the pieces!
    Maria

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  3. Wonderful that he is starting to feel happy, I hope the guilt passes as quickly as it should.

    Its disappointing that the schools you've worked with aren't good on the self-esteem thing.

    We've had good experiences so far, with schools being able to do referrals to local counselling and volunteer mentors, and running clubs such as Pyramid (I think this is the website - www.effectivesteps.com/the-national-pyramid-scheme).

    However I’ve found to get the best you do need to be pushy, attentive, informed and involved. I see it as part of our job to ensure that £1900 per year is spent on the child, not just on the school in general. And to ensure that the teacher responsible for LAC is on the ball and held accountable for providing the right info at PEPs and ensuring that action points are followed up.

    I have learned to send in a list things I want the school LAC rep to bring to the PEP about a month before (after a rep once came with only attendance stats and an old set of test scores). I also call a week before to check someone is coming to the PEP and will have the info I want. I always warn the kids I’m going to be serious and maybe critical of the school in these meetings, I explain I’m THEIR champion, fighting for THEIR money and to make sure THEY get all they are entitled too – the kids have always reacted positively to this, probably because I gallop round the house pretending to be a knight fighting for a good cause.

    I do have an advantage of insider knowledge in my dealings with schools, many of our family and friends are work in education and I make sure I pick their brains on a regular basis.

    I hope they are able to get Romeo some support with his confidence building, I know you’ll champion where the money is being spent and if he isn’t having academic support then it sound like he might benefit from a mentor or buddy. xx

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    Replies
    1. That's good thinking, getting ahead of the game with the Premium payment. It must be very useful being able to tap into a network of educationalists, the best the rest of us can do is remember back because we've all been to school, so at least we know 100% the consumer experience.
      How is yours doing?

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  4. Sounds like Romeo has the best support!
    Our oldest boy must be unusual- he loves school! Makes mornings much easier, he wants to be early so he can play with his friends before school starts and is a whizz at maths, faster than a calculator! Needs some encouragement with reading and writing but loves being read to. He's got his SATs mocks this week and came out today after an English exam feeling like a failure. I have to say I don't agree with the testing and measuring system, think it sets all but the best (book learners and with generally a secure background) up to feel like failures, and why bother when your best effort still gets a low mark?!
    Younger ones not so keen but getting much better, and school has commented that both of them are much calmer and more settled,which is lovely!
    I don't know how they hold it together- their mum has turned up to one contact (last week)and promised she'd come today and yet again they've been let down. So sad watching the oldest try to find excuses for her like she must have forgotten! Took a lot of restraint last week to say hi with a smile rather than give her a piece of my mind for what she's putting them through. My job is just to pick up the pieces!
    Maria

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    Replies
    1. Yes Maria, I had a social worker who used to say that the real parents sometimes try to continue punishing the children even after they've been taken into care.
      A great many real parents genuinely believe that the breakdown of the family happened because the children were obstreperous.
      Until the law about Contact is improved we have to go on dealing with the hurt and anger.
      Would it be harder to reconcile the family if there wasn't this weekly bodged meeting? No, in my view.

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  5. Hi Maria,

    I wonder if your oldest boy is like my bright one, loves school, Social Worker suggests it was a place to escape to, an oasis of calm, order and routine.

    We also see the kids making excuses for missed contact sessions, parents running late or a general lack of contact. Picking up the pieces is hard work, rebuilding the kids self esteem when they are displaying their emotional state via challenging behaviors is tough.

    We say to each other (not to the child but in their hearing) "its a shame that X can't make it, but lucky us for having a extra few hours with kiddo" then we do a busy together activity - something like baking.

    How is the children's social worker handling the missed contacts? We have a "more realistic" schedule being arranged after 6 of 12 were missed in 2015.

    Keep us updated.
    x

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  6. My boyfriend (prospective main carer) and I have really enjoyed your blogs as we went through the assessment process. Having been recommended by the panel last week we are now waiting for the decision in writing. I'm sure we'll keep checking back to your posts for advice!

    Many thanks

    Claire

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    Replies
    1. Hi Claire, how exciting for you! I'm delighted you find this blog useful, please stay in touch, we're all curious to know how things progress, meaning; who your first placement is.

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