After reading "TF for KFC" a reader who signs as "L" posted a comment;
"May I ask a question? It's not necessarily related to this post but is something I'm struggling with and would appreciate the advice of a more experienced carer. Have you ever had a kid(s) who you've struggled to bond with / to attach to / to like? I'm not talking about challenging behaviours but about connection. If you have, how did you work through it - what worked? Thank you."
It's a good question.
I have a friend who's been 30 years in teaching, secondary education (11 through to late teens). English and English Literature. He says the biggest mistake many young teachers make is to try to get the kids to like them, and want to like them back.
The job at hand, he says, is to teach them about English; books, plays, poems etc and how to write.
The business of who likes who doesn't get anybody an 'A' level.
Sounds cold and heartless? It's professionalism.
So…maybe we move you - "L" - on with your dilemma by remembering what our profession wants of us foster parents - it's a darn site more complicated than teaching.
The requirements are summed up in good old Mazlow's Heirarchy of Needs.
First and foremost a child needs the fundamentals for survival; air, water, food, shelter, clothing and sleep. Second she needs security (from violence, crime) and predictablility in the home.
The higher you go up the heirarchy, (always looks like a mountain to me) the closer you get to where "L" is asking about;
The third tier hits the nail on the head for "L". Note it actually specifies the exact same word "L" asks about; 'connection'. Every child needs social connection and acceptance. And like most of us in fostering, we hope to get it back from the child. Maslow says this is a family thing first and foremost. This is your Everest "L", because you can't be proper family to your foster kids, you can only be the kid's foster family.
As I've piped up at many a Blue Sky training session:
"He never fostered, this Maslow, did he?"
Most kids in care are compliant, often even happy, with their life in fostering, but from time to time you get a grump.
My experience is that there are 101 reasons why a child brought into care might be a bit anti to their new circumstances, and we all get why. Must be hard as hell for them. Some kids seem to think if they try your patience you'll boot them out and they'll get to go home. Other children maybe test you to check that you don't give up on them. You don't. You keep accepting them no matter what.
If you feel someone doesn't like you it's hard to like them. Even harder if they're living in your home.
But. You don't boot them out. You keep giving them everything they need. If you think that they should show you they like you in return, that hope can affect your energy for the job. Our job is to climb the mountain of needs with them and get as high as we can. If we get stuck at level 3, no problem, we camp right there and keep at it.
We had a kid stay with us who was difficult to like, call him Tony. He was grumpy with my other half who one time joked he was thinking of moving into a B and B for a bit of respite! I didn't like Tony much myself at first, so I pulled back on seeking that connectivity, just provided the basics. My other half also pulled back, kept things polite but formal.
We agreed that wanting to be liked/loved wasn't the priority.
We simply stuck at it.
Then…
My other half had to go into hospitsal for a knee operation. Too much football when younger. They kept him in for two nights. (this was a good few years ago when the NHS did things like that). His armchair was empty, there was one less person at the table at teatime.
Foster child Tony said nothing, asked no questions, but pieced something was up.
I picked up other half from hospital and when Tony got home from school other half was sat in his armchair, heavily bandaged, leg up on a stool.
Then this happened:
Tony dropped his schoolbag and walked nervously towards his foster dad, with both arms outstretched. When he reached him Tony froze and kind of air-hugged him, then turned, grabbed his bag and went upstairs to his room, fast.
That air-hug meant the world and his wife to me and my other half.
We packed up tents at level 3 camp and began the ascent to level two; "Esteem".
"L", that part of the journey took about 6 months, but we made progress.
It's what we do, it's what YOU do, and you do a great job.