One thing I hope we can do on the Secret Foster Carer Blog is to swap experiences, especially things that have surprised us about fostering. My partner and I encountered something odd very early in our life as carers, and, as one tends to do, we put it down to being something particular to us. Only after many meetings with other carers did a pattern emerge.

I wish a solution would emerge too…

In the meantime, here is the phenomenon:

WHY DO LOOKED AFTER CHILDREN RESENT THEIR FOSTER MOTHER?

In my experience, most children in care have an axe to grind with their carers, at least during the difficult first months. As carers we know we can expect it.

Their hostility is understandable:


      they are angry about almost everything
      they think the carers are the ones behind the decision to take them from their real home
      it’s the carers who have to say “no” to things they got away with before
      they transfer conflicts from their real home – with parents and siblings - to their new home.

But what’s astonishing is the level of resentment they direct towards the woman of the house.  There’s no way new female foster carers can be prepared for their care and kindness to be met with total rejection.  The child responds completely in the opposite way to the proper reaction to one of life’s most basic deals: “I’ll be nice to you and you be nice to me.”

It comes as a shock, especially when the harshest behaviour is directed towards the foster mother.

And from my own experiences, and talking to other carers, this is the norm. In our house, a new and addled child will dish out some disobedience to the man. But they usually save everything from the subtle stuff (casual putdowns), to the blatant stuff (outright confrontation) for the woman.

The man gets more engagement and friendliness, even if he has the job of saying “no” and “bedtime, no argument please” more often. The woman can find herself in an ongoing battle, even though she is the one with the sticking plasters, soft voice and kind words.

Perhaps most surprising is that this seems to apply to boys in care as well as girls.

THE REASON

I’m going to skip this bit: because, in all truth, I think certain reasons are obvious and well known, such as they resent another woman trying to be their mother. Other reasons have yet to be unearthed and measured. I have a theory of my own I’ll run past you at the bottom.

WHAT TO DO

This is the most important bit. Be prepared for it. Talk about it between yourselves and everyone else you trust who’ll listen, especially your social worker. Work hard on it, praise good behaviour towards the foster mother. If you think it’s possible, talk to the child and let them know they cause hurt. Try not to fall out at home over it. This is very hard, and it’s what’s led me to my theory.

WHICH IS…

This doesn’t explain it all, of course, but it’s a contributory factor, and something carers can control. A looked after child has probably been in a home where there has been a lot of conflict. It may somehow be a comfort to them. Certainly, if their parents were at each other’s throats the children were safer than if they were the target for the parent’s anger. All children play their parents off against each other one way or another, at some time in their lives. The looked after child may have learned a higher stakes version of this, and is putting their skills into practice to achieve the world they know, where the adults are in conflict with each other. And in order to have one adult as their friend, they must make an enemy of the other. As foster carers we have a child in our home who needs to know that a pair of loving adults stay a pair, and help the child discover a new place in the home.

If this is something you have experience of I’d be happy to hear your comments.

The Secret Foster Carer