Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Foster Carers should all re-marry.

We should get married again, those of us that that did (and still are), not that you have to be a pair to foster well.

But if a fostering couple were at some point spliced together in a ceremony, prior to fostering, religious or otherwise, they should re-marry each other all over again with a new set of vows.

I'm serious. My partner and I were talking about actually doing it; re-dedicating our marriage to incorporate  some focus on our new and overarching thing; fostering. But mostly to remind ourselves about our own family.

We married in a church;

"I take thee___________ to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband to have and to hold from this day forward for better for worse, for richer for poorer in sickness and in health to love and cherish til death us do part"

You can download all manner of vows now:

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my partner, loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the (man/woman) you will become, and falling in love a little more every day. I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us.

I (name), take you (name) to be my (husband/wife), my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live. 

If we do this thing, my partner and I, and to be truthful I don't know how we'd find time, but if we ever do, the key thing would be to have our own children there. As for foster children; if they are permanent then maybe they're there, that would need some thought. Plenty of wider family and friends around for the hooley afterwards.

It would go something like;

I (name) take you (name) and our children (names) as my lawful, only family. You are each the love of my life and mean everything to me. You are more important and valuable to me than anything or anyone and always will be. Thank you for understanding the life we now live, even though it sometimes hurts or upsets you, more than ordinary family life. I hope you each feel as much warmth as I from who we have become. Many people who are not here, in our past and our future, would also wish to thank you, if only they knew what they owe to you.

The thing is, I think we need to make sure our own children are certain they're up there with us on the fostering, and that they're not simply getting semi-siblings temporarily bolted on to their layer of family.

Then there'd be an Eighties disco, obviously.

The Secret Foster Carer 

ps If you're bothered I'd want "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" for the walkdown.


  1. I love that we are having a tough time at the moment and even though I am finding it tough I have to constantly remind myself how it feels for my kids - our long term matched child really can not live here any more as she continually verbally and physically abuses all of us but when i have an open a frank discussion about her moving on my youngest who is in the 11-14 age range says - you can not just discard her like a piece of rubbish - how do I tell him that she is in fact damaging him more than he knows!!

  2. The Secret Foster CarerThursday, May 23, 2013

    First, give him a hug from foster carers everywhere. Second, give yourself a hug, sounds like you're getting one of the really tricky fostering things about as right as anyone can.
    I'm terribly sorry you've gone as far as you can with the long term match, is there any way you can feel you did a great job, I sense that you sure did.
    Our own flesh and blood are more important. It feels awful to say it out loud, may look horrible written down to people who don't know.
    Foster children have been through hell, still going through hell often. We give them our best shot, but if we can't keep our blood family together and happy, our foster family is going to crumble anyway.
    I'm wondering how you can make sure your youngest doesn't feel any guilt, but I'm confident you are across that one.
    Thanks for your comment.