NOBODY EVER SUFFERED TOO MUCH LOVE

"Learned Helplessness" is an interesting one.

It used to be something which children developed if the parents didn't nurture independence. Children who leave home and don't know that you need to bleach a toilet or that fried bread needs oil or butter in the pan or it ends up toast (me, both).

Nowadays it's widespread.

I heard that a recently retired international footballer had to phone his wife at her hairdressers to ask her how to make a cup of tea.

It's not just the others, it's all of us.

There's an ad on the radio for Halfords (I think) which says you can bring your car in for a Winter Healthcheck . The payoff is that you get a "Free screenwash top-up". We don't even know how to fill the bottle ourselves.

I find there's a danger I have to be alert to in my fostering, which is not to wrap them in too much cottonwool. They are vulnerable and during the first few weeks they are in your care you try to make them feel welcome, at home, cared for and looked after.

I had a child who famously said to a social worker when it was time to put on shoes and do up laces;

"I have a Butler and I'm not afraid to use her"

Butler.

It had actually come to that. I was so determined the child should feel peace I'd turned  cosseting into an Olympic sport.

But it's better than the alternative by which the child grows up fast and big but out of kilter because they had to look after themselves from a tender age.

The question I ask myself a lot is: "Should I do this for them or tell them to do it themselves?"

If we're not careful, we foster parents end up thinking we get lots of things wrong. I have met plenty of us who are worrying about this that and the other. Sometimes I think that fostering is about choosing to do the least wrong thing, because every course of action has its downside.

"Learned helplessness" is one thing the foster parent never suffers from. We are out there, doing it, learning as we go, dealing with any mistakes we think we make. In learned helplessness the victim is stuck unable to act because someone has always done it for them. That never happens in fostering. We have to act. We have to make a decision and see it through, there's no-one else.

One of the many things I don't quite get right is that I tend to do it for them rather than tell them to do it themselves, because I want them to know there are people who care.

I don't care if they can't make a cup of tea so long as they know someone cared enough to make it for them, and that they are appreciated, someone cares.

I remember a psychologist saying "No child has ever come to any of us and said 'The problem I have is that I'm loved too much'."

If I ever have a tattoo it will be those words.