Sunday, November 20, 2016


We're in that limbo state where one of our foster children is going home and nobody is quite sure how to play things.

Romeo, who's been with us nearly a year - blimey, time flies - is returning to his birth mother and things are speeding up because Christmas is always an issue, not just because families need to plan, but because social services and fostering agencies are pretty much on hold for a fortnight so they need to nail things down in advance.

So he now knows. And he's chuffed. Chuffed because, much as he's come to like us, the foster family is no contest for the birth family, and quite right too.

If I'm brutally honest it always hurts a tiny bit that they prefer someone who has abused them such that they are removed into care over a family that has gone round the houses to provide them with everything, make them feel welcome, fit in, and benefit from a peace and harmony which actually from time to time they were the main threat to. But I don't show it in any way or let it get between me and the fostering. It's a human piece of me, this slight sadness, but I try to sideline it because fostering is a profession and the human in me has to come second.

The job is to get them ready to go home, and every child who goes home is a job well done. I had one child, a teenager, I was the only voice who said the time had come for her to go home. I'd met her family, they were up to having her back, and I knew her better than anyone at the time (she'd been with us 6 months, I'd seen her grow up). I got my way, she went home, and the last I heard she was happy as a pig in you-know-what.

The tricky thing is our other looked-after children, who aren't going home.

How must this look to them? How must they feel?

We can't act too pleased for Romeo, that might cause hurt to the others, yet we can't pretend that Romeo going home isn't a result for him.

My headache is how to foster them all through this period; Romeo and the ones who are staying.

Look at it from the stayers point of view; they've been in care longer than Romeo. They know their parents are no worse at parenting than Romeo's. How do they know this? Foster children compare backgrounds with each other. In my experience it's a wholly good thing, not that you could stop it happening. They're curious about each other, and find comfort in talking about what's happened to them with someone who has experienced similar things.

Romeo is going home, they aren't. I had to take as much care explaining this to them as I took explaining things to Romeo. His social worker broke him the news, a proper way of doing it as a) they're trained up to the hilt b) they are the ones ultimately responsible for a child in care c) they like giving children good news - most of their job entails being bearer of sad tidings.

The question that comes up most often in fostering, or at least causes most consternation is;

"When am I going home?"

You sometimes get it the same afternoon they arrive at your home. The social worker sits them down in your house and explains a bunch of stuff and asks if they have any questions, and up comes;

"When am I going home?"

From time to time during general chats, say at the table eating tea, you find yourself talking about their circumstances - their Contact arrangements, their school problems, whatever - and you find yourself asking; "Is there anything else you want to know?"

"When am I going home?"

You want to know how I answer this question? So do I. I struggle, but I try.

"Everyone is working on getting you home as soon as it's right for you"

"There are discussions happening all the time, we're hopeful but don't have a date yet".

"I haven't heard anything new since we last asked, I'll speak to your social worker tomorrow."

You have to tell the truth, stick to facts, but always as kindly as you can.

One thing we can do, and I've decided to do it, is say we don't want to be up for another placement for a bit. Don't want the children who remain to think the arrival of a new child (whether birth or a foster child) is evidence they aren't enough.

When Romeo goes, I'll almost certainly never see him or hear anything about him again.


But until my last day on earth I'll wonder about him, hope he's okay, hope his time with us helped.

But his bed will probably be filled again soon, and the best job in the world goes onwards and upwards.


  1. This must be so hard. I would be in bits if our girls were going back now. I know its part of the job, and we're prepared for it but I'd be worrying myself sick.

    We had a young chap stay with us some respite recently, his carer wasn't well. Background story did't make for nice reading but he was full of bounce and a joy to look after (best behaviors from all of course). We knew it was a temporary short visit but we were still all sad when he had to go home. Hopefully we gave him some nice memories. I know you'll have given Romeo loads of good memories and perhaps more importantly a big dose of that special confidence and sense of value that comes from knowing you're a priority to someone.

  2. Kind of you to think that way, yes it's sad.
    We had a lad for a short stay, we've never forgotten him, often wonder if he's ok.
    That point you make about memories is so important. Often looked-after children don;t have much of an emotional heritage (psycho babble for happy memories). It's good to see them assemble their memory box and say things like "Are we going to Auntie Barbara's on Boxing Day like we always do..."

  3. I know how you're feeling, beginning's and ending's both so very difficult and fraught with emotion's and feelings? what I have found is the 12 months of memories will stay with the child forever, also the 12 month's of good, healthy family life will stay with him forever and that is the true value of what we do as foster carer's. I have like you tried to keep my emotion's in check on these occasions and it is very hard, hopefully Romeo now has the tools to know what is a good family life and what is not? and would raise the alarm if things were to go wrong? all the kids I've looked after have a special place in my heart, but saying good bye never gets any easier! Thank you for sharing your story it is truelly very moving .

  4. Thank you so much Marina, not only for your constructive words, but your kind thoughts. This fostering lark is like no other; everyone else goes about their work then can come home and switch off - from work. They might have to switch on to family issues, but they have a separation. We don't. When a work colleague leaves is very different from when a foster child leaves. You only know this if you've done it.
    But it's so worth doing, isn't it?

  5. We are now preparing for our second child in 3 years returning home to their birth family and what troubles me is the breakdown in the relationship between the child and ourselves. It's like the poor kids are torn, but the loyalties have to be with their birth families and they seem to need to somehow show these loyalties by way of negative behaviours. Our current placement has been an absolute delight for the past 15 months, Had supervised contact twice per week for an hour, outwith the family home and all was well. Birth mum has in the last 3-6 months started getting herself sorted out and getting her priorities right so, in the last 2 weeks contact has been increased to 4 hours twice per week and unsupervised, in the knowledge that if all remains well at the end of July, another panel will be called with a view to the little one returning home in August. In the last 2 weeks the child has started lying to us about every little thing, stealing from us and other kids in school, making up ridiculous stories that you certainly wouldnt expect from an 8 year old. She's stopped talking to us, she wont open up to us about how she feels and any worries she has.
    It's absolutely breaking our hearts, knowing that she has so much turmoil within. I know this is fairly normal when a placement is coming to a planned conclusion, we've been through it more than once before, but it doesnt make it any easier.
    Keep up the good work SFC, your posts are great and often inspiring.
    From Dubda..

  6. Oh dear, poor child. And poor you. It sounds as if the best you can do is what you are doing. Your patience, understanding, tolerance and kindness are the way, and I like to believe that those qualities will be stored up in the child and emerge for the good of others at a later date.
    The reason you are a credit to us all is that you care, rather than cut yourself off emotionally now the child is going.
    It's desperately sad when a foster child presents their torment to the very people who have done most to help them, but it's the job. A great job, more than a job, it's a bl**dy calling, so it is.
    Keep it up. I know that you could do no other. On behalf of the child, the child's family, the whole fostering system, thank you.