It's late evening on Mother's Day, or Mothering Sunday or whatever you want to call it. I'm off to bed soon, having an early night. Feeling a bit crock, been promised a mug of Horlicks as a treat.
Mother's Day is just another headache for the foster parent.
I Googled 'Mother's Day' a few years back, apparently it was started about a hundred years ago by an American woman, but after a few years she herself condemned it for its commercialisation, and said it should be banned!
I'm not so bothered about the products; Hallmark and Moonpig, flower growers and chocolate manufacturers, I suppose they have to make a living. Pub lunches and restaurants; good luck to them.
What bugs a me is that for the weeks leading up to it you get nothing but reminders on TV commercials and in the supermarket. And on the internet.
What REALLY bugs me is the number of Primary schools where they still make the children draw Mother's Day cards...AAARRRGGH! Their compliance is what gives the credibility to all the commercial stuff. If the schools stopped it would die out.
Nobody needs me to point out that every reminder is a stake through the heart of the foster child.
Not just foster children actually, there are huge numbers of real families that are torn apart one way or another, it's such a cruel reminder for so many children that their family is on the rocks.
As far as fostering is concerned, where it's do-able and appropriate we foster parents arrange for Mother's Day gifts and cards to get given by their foster child to their real mother. Sometimes it's even possible for them to meet up, or maybe have a phone chat.
But by jimminy, it would be so much better for everybody if they knocked the whole thing on its head.
We had a child stay with us who, like all foster children to one extent or another, couldn't make up her mind about her real mother or her foster mother (see, that's the other bit that's difficult, VERY difficult).
The child's real mother had behaved dreadfully towards the poor little mite, but little mite still loved her. This is the thing; it seems no matter what the child's mistreatment they always want their real mum, and they believe that one day their real mum will begin to behave like a real mum.
Here's what had happened to little mite;
Her parents had been arrested and the mother was being held while inquiries were made about her true identity. They kept her under lock and key in case she scarpered while they were investigating her. She'd pleaded not guilty to a bunch of charges and was remanded in custody. It seems that she was quite the successful fraudster. Not just benefit fraud on an industrial scale but identity theft and even identity creation; she allegedly looked after the financial affairs of a number of people who didn't exist. She was also believed to be doing some mild blackmailing of a reclusive elderly neighbour, a woman who had lost her husband many years ago, and was vulnerable enough to be persuaded into believing that she was responsible for his death.
It often amazes me how adults who can be highly intelligent have no humanity skills; the mother forced her own daughter to help with her crimes, and then treated the child like a criminal for 'stealing' food, 'pretending' to be frightened, and 'acting like she was upset to get attention'.
The little mite would get locked up and fed a prison diet. I don't want to think about the punishment beatings.
So, when it got to Mother's Day the little mite made a card and bought a box of Heroes for the woman which we agreed we would pass to her social worker to pass on to the centre where the woman was held. The social worker pointed out that the woman would welcome the child's loving gift because she could use it as proof she ought to be released 'for the child's sake'.
At some point in all this the little mite said to me; 'When my mummy comes out can she come and live here so she can see what being a proper mummy is'.
That's true, what I just wrote. Makes me sad and angry to remember it.
Poor little mite. What an unnecessary dilemma for her!
Look at it like this; in order to make money for card shops and petrol stations with their buckets of forecourt flowers foster children have to make hard choices about who their mother is.
The child didn't make a Mother's Day card for me, I was relieved. It's awkward when it happens, unless they're older foster children and the gift is knowingly done.
I had a child at one school where they did Mother's Day, but not Father's day. The head told me, all solemn like, that this was because the school had so many children where the fathers were no longer on the scene.
I'd gone to see him because the child had been made to draw a Mother's Day card and the child had drawn a monster. The child's teacher had said she thought it was because the child might have been a fan of Harry Potter!
Turned out the Head was separated himself, so maybe no wonder he had a downer on Father's Day.
Poor him, but what about poor children? What about poor us?
Mother's Day?
It's a load of old Horlicks.
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