A HAPPY RE-THINKING

Something happened yesterday in our house which got me thinking.

The thinking led to me changing my thinking about something. 

The reason that the thing that happened got me thinking is that Blue Sky get enquiries on the blog from people who are considering or even actually getting themselves into fostering, and are worried that they have never had children of their own.

I used to think that it has to be an advantage in fostering to have raised a child or two of your own.

Of course it's by no means a disadvantage to have been a 'real' parent. But I've decided to believe that the advantages are a bit exaggerated.

After all, think about it; how much accreditation does anyone have to get before they can have a child of their own? Blimey, practically less than zero (as in you're supposed in law to be at least 16, but yeah right, that one and only 'qualification' is often out the window).

In fostering you are checked out from top to toe first. Quite right too.

And again; how much training, support and supervision do 'real' parents get? The answer is next-to-nothing. Nothing formal. To the best of my knowledge even if parents make such a mess of their parenting and social services intervene the struggling parents don't get the levels of regular written-up backing and guidance that foster parents enjoy.

Most parents get by on what they've picked up from their own experiences plus a few titbits from their sewing circle/in-laws. I'll never forget a train driver I fell into conversation with about getting children to go to sleep, he said "...Little drop of Drambuie in their last bottle. Works a treat." Do NOT try that at home. We had a foster child stay with us who had her own baby, she told us her mum had warned her not to eat ice-cream during the pregnancy as the baby would born blue.

There are good books on parenting aplenty, but do we know many parents with a stack of them on standby? Not me I don't. There's loads of videos about child development on YouTube but most parents are happier catching up Eastenders or doing Facebook.

I guess the hard truth is that 99% of us 'real' parents do it on a fry-up of common sense, things our older family members pass down to us, what we remember from being parented ourselves, and whatever we have the energy and dedication to experiment with after a long day.

That's not being unkind. Somehow most children manage to emerge from what you could term amateur parenting with most of their marbles intact.

It would be nanny-state incarnate if we had to sit exams before being allowed to have children, then attend night-school in how to tell the difference between a hungry cry and a full-nappy cry.

'Nanny' state.

See what I did there...

This is how come many potential foster carers show up hoping that the experience of raising one or more reasonably well-adjusted children of their own will cover the lion's share of what you need to know to foster.

And in terms of self-confidence and hard knowledge it takes all the beating. But...

...times change. I'll never forget in a Mother and Baby training session I learned that you no longer warm up bottles in the microwave. It became a no-no in between me having mine and then starting fostering. Turns out some microwaves can deliver a hidden hotspot. So much for my hard-earned 'experience'. I pointed out that if you shake the bottle after warming any hot-spots get evened out, but to no avail. We were told in no uncertain terms to heat it gently in a pan of warm water. I came back that if you've got a ravenous crying baby you can get a fridge-cold bottle up to glugging warmth in a tenth of the time in the MW than sitting in a gradually heating pan, but it was no dice. I added that any operation you can do with one hand while comforting a distressed baby in the other is a boon. Still no wiggle room, it was out with the old and in with the new. Fair do's. There are plenty of my tricks of the trade that still cut the mustard.

But like I said, something happened in our house and I got to wondering about all the things that happen in fostering that are new to adults whether they've had children of their own or not.

What happened was this; one of our foster children grew up about 5 years in 24 hours.

When I say 'grew up' I mean had an accelerated batch of developments which normally get spread separately over a wodge of time but with this child happened all together and in the blink of an eye.

It never happened to my own children, and I've not heard anyone talk about it happening to their 'own' children.

But when I spotted it (which wasn't hard), I realised that it's happened before...with children in care.

It was fantastic. The child suddenly, without warning, went from being a child with all sorts of burdens and insecurities which weighed down on happiness, self-esteem, peace, ambition... all those things and more. Child went to being a youth. A youth with both feet on the ground, confident body language, able to engage an adult in eye-to-eye conversation in an adult way. Share a joke, stand easily in front of the hall mirror adjusting hair before putting on a baseball cap happy with what they looked like in the mirror, all the while chatting over their shoulder at the adult in the kitchen who was suddenly and with no warning being spoken to as an equal. A respected equal, whose thoughts and views were listened and responded to.

Lord love a duck I'm getting the vapours just remembering it.

But I now remember it happening previously, but only with looked-after children.  Not all, by any means, only those that were ready to process and consign the past and face up to the prospect of a future.

Hormones might be in there too. Maybe a shot of self-esteem from a flattering remark from a teacher or a school friend. Probably a coming-together of those things and others.

Foster children have had such a bumpy ride, I guess that as foster parents, if we keep our eyes open, it's perfectly likely that they can shed their old skin quick as snakes, burst out of the cocoon as butterflies.

Ordinary children seem to pace the growing-up process. It happens so stealthily it's only when you look back at videos it hits you how much they've come on.

My point is that there's so much to be had from fostering, and so much to discover yourself, that nothing really prepares you for it, you just have to enjoy the ride.

A twig on the back of a stream I've heard it called...