A fellow foster parent added a comment to the piece "Slipping through my fingers".
It almost brought a tear to my eye.
The person spoke of not being able to forget a child who slipped through their fingers years and years ago.
Aren't some people truly wonderful.
There's a lot of love in that home of theirs!
Let's think for a moment about how much care goes into how a foster parent expresses the different types of love.
See, it's a tricky concept.
What am I talking about? It's not "tricky"… it's a blinkin' minefield!
Try this one; every morning when our own children set off for school, or in the case of our eldest, for work, we always say something like;
"See you later! Take care…"
Then we finish with;'
"Love you!"
If you leave out the "I", as in "I love you" it lightens the sentence enough for it not to be a dramatic statement of something huge.
But, here's the thing; you can't start saying "Love you!" to foster kids as they go out the door, especially if they've only been with you a few days. I find myself dropping the "Love you" from my goodbyes with my own brood in case a new foster child notices that they're being left out and feel some kind of bad.
Am I being too meticulous? No. The harder you try to get everything right in fostering (impossible obviously but you can still try) the better your fostering.
Hugs are another thing.
Our transitioning foster child came home from a gathering late on Saturday night. He's transing from female to male, and so much more at peace with the world now he's well into his journey. At the gathering was a girl he likes and they had a slow dance. He stood in the kitchen and told me how wonderful it made him feel.
He is, like many kids in care, guarded about his thoughts and feelings. But he opened up, and I felt he wanted a connection.
I wanted to give him a hug but he used to shrug me off if I so much as gave him a friendly pat on the back.
But I felt that the moment was right so I stepped forward into his space. He didn't step back. I placed both hands on either of his elbows as his arms hung down, so I wasn't touching his body and gave them a fleeting squeeze. Lasted two seconds, but he let me.
I whispered "I'm so proud of you".
And off he tripped upstairs to bed. He'd have been whistling if he knew how.
I'm old enough to know how to whistle but I didn't try - my lips don't pucker like they used to.
But I wanted to, because a) he was in a good place and b) I'd done my darndest to make the moment appropriate.
Hugs are tricky. Science now says they are vital for our wellbeing but many kids don't want them, even if they probably really need them. The dog usually gets a lot of hugs from kids who won't accept them from adults, which he greatly enjoys.
ReplyDeleteWe are big advocates of High Fives, they are usually acceptable to most kids, still gives them some form of physical contact.
And I agree an "Love you" is far easier than "I love you". And it feels less ingenuous than a fake "I love you", because sometimes kids need to hear it, even if you as the carer aren't really feeling it.