MOVIES THAT FOSTER CHILDREN ENJOY

Fostering brings all sorts of things into one's life. I sometimes wonder what people who don't foster actually do with themselves.

It's not only the little jobs that multiply, it's the brain-work of trying to understand the significance of the little things in the life of your foster child.

The child I'm thinking about this time is our youngest placement, who has a thing about "Frozen".

Why would a child from a down-and-out mundane chaotic family be entranced - captivated in fact - by a tale about royalty and magic?

So; "Frozen" is a Disney cartoon film. A fairy story about two sister princesses with magic powers. Their parents die at sea. The eldest sister is crowned Queen. At the coronation the younger sister falls in love with a guest, a Prince. The older sister is jealous and retreats to a castle in the icy waste, but casts an accidental spell on her realm, plunging the whole nation into an eternal Winter of snow and ice. The younger sister, aided by her Prince, is tasked with finding the older sister and undoing the spell.

Right? Wanna get your head round why our foster child watches this every afternoon after school? And all weekend. "Frozen" is on our backroom telly almost every day, almost all the time. 

Why?

It's a good movie; the animation and the voice performers are top drawer. Successful? It's up there with the highest grossing movies of all time. 

But the question stays the same. Why does a damaged child from an emotionally impoverished  and dispersed family, who is in my care, watch "Frozen" at every available moment?

The child will plomp on the sofa, our dog will join. Child will snag a biscuit and a box of juice, find the remote wherever it's hiding, and get "Frozen" up on screen. Child doesn't even need to reel it back to the beginning, just presses 'Play" and watches wherever it kicks in.

I talked about the "Frozen" infatuation with our Blue Sky social worker.

In fostering, if you have the stamina, every little titbit helps with your picture of the child, and what to do to help them.

"Frozen" is about a chaotic family that breaks into bits. One of the kids tries to fix things.

Life is bleak and the fixer is trying to bring sunshine.

We think that fractured families are a modern day thing. But 'Frozen' touches a nerve all over the world.

The story of "Frozen", all about a damaged family, but tarted up as about royalty and magic, was written two hundred years ago. Hans Christian Anderson.

Befgore there was organised fostering.

Makes you think

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COPING

A reader who signs as "L" writes;

"Hi SFC, I hope you're doing ok. We're struggling a bit with the transition to having a new member of the family - who is a delight. I won't go into detail so I can respect privacy, but I'd love to hear your words of wisdom about whether you've ever "bitten off more than you can chew". The child is wonderfully behaved at home but often sent home from childcare, and has a diagnosis list a mile long that I'm sure we can support with - just worried about the balancing act with the otherkids (and sleep!).

signed L"

Hello L. 

Thanks for getting in touch. The path through fostering is lined with rewards, but for sure their are cracked slabs along the way. 

I guess your question boils down to two asks; "Have I had to cope with the near-uncopable, and have I ever worried that in coping with the near-uncopable I'm not giving enough to the rest of the family."

Yes to both. 

Surely anyone who's fostered for any length of time replies "Yes to both".

THE UNCOPABLES

My first placement on returning to fostering (after a break to concentrate on my own two young children) was uphill all the way. It was a respite job. His regular foster parents needed a break, and I soon found out why. He was ultra-hyper - I don't think that's a bona fide diagnosis, but I'm sure people know what I mean. He wasn't on any medication, or counselling.  I suspect that if he'd been a full-time placement with me I might have buckled, and if that outcome is threatened it's the duty of the foster parent to protect themselves, and get help from Social Services and social workers. 

Six months later I was asked to look after the same child again for another respite break, and I'll never forget the smile on his face when he came through the door. He realised that I must like him enough to try to cope with his swings. He was better the second time. I met him in town years later, holding down a building job and pushing his toddler in a pushchair alongside his partner. 

My other uncopable was with me for 5 years. Up all night, anxiety attacks, despair, anger, you name it. But the child persevered with their own repair programme (just like the first uncopable did). It was slow going, but worth it. He outgrew his own nightmares.

Hard for me to compare my experiences with your current child as you've thoughtfully kept details private. All I can say is that I feel good for hanging in there and for the children who progressed.

FINDING TIME FOR THE REST OF THE FAMILY

I'd talk to them whenever I could. Level with them. Apologise, even. 

Turned out they were more concerned for me (getting into a frazzle) than having their own needs cherished as before.

My partner was a rock; pleased to see me doing what I can and see me getting pleasure from doing the right thing.

Our social workers were a big help. The child performed spotlessly when they were visiting, but social workers know which way is up, they knew the child wanted to stay with me so wouldn't risk a meltdown in their presence.

The child is now lined up to go to Cambridge, so something clicked somewhere along the line.

SLEEP

Ah, I remember sleep…

In fostering it's often more a case of; "napping' or 'dozing' or 'forty winks', or my favourite which is; 'sorry, I nodded off just then, you were saying?'

It's tough, but no worse than the early years of one's own family, so at least one's been there before.

And then, the child gets to their teens and sleeps 'til midday. Only we don't. We still jump up wide awake at 6.00am! Hey ho...

OTHER THOUGHTS

Interesting that your child is wonderful at home, but overwhelmed by diagnosed conditions in childcare. To be blunt it sounds like you're better at coping than the 'professionals", as many like to call themselves. Between you and me and the gatepost, maybe they need to pull their socks up. Sending a difficult child home isn't childcare at its best.

Have they ever asked you how you do what you do, what your strategies are? I bet not.

Shame. I'm 100% sure you're a magnificent foster parent and should be made to feel appreciated and revered even, at every turn.

However my guess is you'll go forward with this placement, the impact you've already had must be profound. That's why the child wants to stay with you. And I have a feeling you're in it to win it.

Yours,

SFC

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IT'S A 24/7 THING

The latest figures about fostering are saddening.

In the last 3 years 3,000 carers have left fostering.

Big business is moving in; residential care homes for older children in care are springing up; one new one every day.

I don't know enough about these homes to deserve to have a view, but the newspapers seem allied together in their take on them; namely that they're not good for the young people, but good for investors.

Then there's been discussion alongside these allegations that some normal family foster homes are no less chaotic than the homes the children have been removed from.

One article I've just finished reading claimed that some local authorities "pay" foster carers £50 a week, which the article asserted, is less than the minimum wage.

All I can say from first hand experience is that Blue Sky give much better financial support than that. Much better.

Fostering is a full time job, but we foster parents aren't "paid". We are given an allowance. It enjoys healthy tax status, ie it's not taxed as a wage partly because the country needs foster parents, and partly because, when you're looking after someone else's child 24/7, you're literally on call 24/7.

24/7 hours times the minimum wage would have our reparation up to £135,000 per year. Per child.

Another article I found quoted that some vulnerable children get placed in special units, others in what were described as exorbitant residencies, mainly because the Local Authority is required by law to find a room for a child they take into care.

At the end of the day, all we can do as foster parents, is carry on parenting.

Nice moment this day before yesterday, I woke up about 1.00am; movement downstairs.

I heard the big dog (we've got 2 at the moment) on the hall floor. Then the kitchen door got shut….gently.

Then I got a whiff of cooking.

Someone…had let the dog out for a wee, was knocking up a midnight feast, and wanted to keep it secret.

Hmmmm.

So: I need to know who's using the cooker. But also need to keep it non-interventionalist (is that a word?)

Plan; I went downstairs in search of a glass of water to wash down paracetamol to beat a headache. 

I went into the kitchen and acted as unbothered as I could.

It was middle foster child!

I said "Don't mind me, I'm wanting a glass of water. Headache."

Child; "Ye, I'm just making a snack."

Child has been getting into cookery, which we encourage enormously. Child is old enough to be trusted with the microwave, and you want them to achieve and feel the beginings of independence. But you stay vigilant. And I've drummed kitchen safety into the young person.

I went back upstairs, and stayed awake until I heard child head up to the bedroom with a plate of something.

I was up first next morning and can tell you the child's cooking is better than the child's clearing and tidying of the kitchen.

Don't care.

Love fostering, so much.

C'mon everybody, let's go!

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WHY IS CONTACT LIKE A TORCH?

 There are things to moan about in fostering but I try not to.

From time to time fostering is taxing, but you knuckle down and sort it.

There's always a Blue Sky social worker behind you.

On the whole fostering is grand.

Probably the one thing in fostering I'd change is "Contact".

I'd make Contact more elexible than the "once a week" dictat that almost always is a bit of a spanner in the works.

Not so much for me, but more importantly, the child. Children in care are, more often than not; mucked up by Contact, especially in the first weeks. Having to be taken to meet up with their 'significant others" is upsetting. By the time we get them back to our home they're edgy at best, often thoroughly mixed up.

"Contact", I looked it up, is enshrined in UK law as a well-meaning clause in the Childrens Act. It's perfectly well intened;d to help maintain a relationship between the child and the parents that we're supposed to be aiming to re-connect.

I can imagine the MPs and civil servants sitting in Committee nodding the idea through because it's seems to make sense. A good idea idea in principle. I'm sure they consulted social workers, maybe even fostering agencies. I'm equally sure they didn't listen to foster carers much, if at all. The Comntact law needs to be made more flexible, to freflect the needs of the individual child and their family.

Going back a few years I was required to take a child to have Contact with a family member who'd abused the child. The adult insisted and the lawyers agreed there was no getting away from it. I had to take the poor kid to sit with the adult for an hour, once every week. Then the Contact stopped. Why? Becaiuse tyhe adult went to prison for what they'd inflicted on the poor kid. The Contact law hads to be followed while the police and Crown Prosecution investagted allegations and set up a trial. It took a whole year.

Imagine any other victim (ok, in the eyes of the law 'alleged' victim) being forced to sit with the alleged perpetrator for an hour once a week? All the while trying to get their life on track? Madness.

I'm adamanent that the first few weeks in fostering are a bit raw for every child and the "significant others".  Contact was devised before mobile phones and Zoom which would do the job just as well and allow discreet supervision no problem.

Mind, I'm the last one to advocate technology because I'm a bit of a dinosaur myself when it comes to gizmos.

Example; I keep an old-fashioned torch (flashlight if you're American) in the drawer next to the bed. Why? In case of a power cut.

I lent the torch to one of our foster children who was going out Trick or Treating and it never came back.

So I bought a new one on Amazon.

I didn't expect what I got.

I got a torch, yes, but one that works like this:

You click the "On" button and it flashes. On/off, on/off…and so on until you click the button a second time. When you click the second time it starts to strobe. Like in an old-fashioned disco. The sort of strobing that has newsreaders warning people vulnerable to fits that "the following report contains flash photography."

Click the button a third time and you get what you want, namely a beam of light.

My kids tell me I don't need a torch as there's one on every mobile phone. But if there was a power cut I'd want to maintain as much battery life in my phone as possible. That's my argument anyway.

Why am I telling you this? And what's it got to do with Contact?

It's this; somewhere in China is a gigantic factory that makes torches. The people at the top sit around making decisions about what facilities their next brand of torch will have.

They probably decide that the harder they try to make the torch have all sorts of features, the more thay can justify pushing the price up.

So the customer has to buy a strobing, flashing torch.

Who ever in the whole wide world needed a torch that strobes?

Nobody.

Nobody ever.

Ever.

But, every torch you can buy will make you click it several times before you get to the only thing you want, which is a beam of light.

The guys who sat around deciding how their next torch should work probsably never needed to use one. Or else they'd know that you never need a torch that strobes.

These strobing torches (by the way, my new bike lights have the same 'feature' - they strobe) are madness.

So, my bedside torch is inconvenient, annoying and arguably dangerous, because I have to fiddle with it to make it work.

And when I get off my bike I have to switch the lights through the complete cycle of options.

Designed by people who have no experience with torch use, and who probably don't ride bikes after dark.

Exactly like how Contact came about...

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