COPING

A reader who signs as "L" writes;

"Hi SFC, I hope you're doing ok. We're struggling a bit with the transition to having a new member of the family - who is a delight. I won't go into detail so I can respect privacy, but I'd love to hear your words of wisdom about whether you've ever "bitten off more than you can chew". The child is wonderfully behaved at home but often sent home from childcare, and has a diagnosis list a mile long that I'm sure we can support with - just worried about the balancing act with the otherkids (and sleep!).

signed L"

Hello L. 

Thanks for getting in touch. The path through fostering is lined with rewards, but for sure their are cracked slabs along the way. 

I guess your question boils down to two asks; "Have I had to cope with the near-uncopable, and have I ever worried that in coping with the near-uncopable I'm not giving enough to the rest of the family."

Yes to both. 

Surely anyone who's fostered for any length of time replies "Yes to both".

THE UNCOPABLES

My first placement on returning to fostering (after a break to concentrate on my own two young children) was uphill all the way. It was a respite job. His regular foster parents needed a break, and I soon found out why. He was ultra-hyper - I don't think that's a bona fide diagnosis, but I'm sure people know what I mean. He wasn't on any medication, or counselling.  I suspect that if he'd been a full-time placement with me I might have buckled, and if that outcome is threatened it's the duty of the foster parent to protect themselves, and get help from Social Services and social workers. 

Six months later I was asked to look after the same child again for another respite break, and I'll never forget the smile on his face when he came through the door. He realised that I must like him enough to try to cope with his swings. He was better the second time. I met him in town years later, holding down a building job and pushing his toddler in a pushchair alongside his partner. 

My other uncopable was with me for 5 years. Up all night, anxiety attacks, despair, anger, you name it. But the child persevered with their own repair programme (just like the first uncopable did). It was slow going, but worth it. He outgrew his own nightmares.

Hard for me to compare my experiences with your current child as you've thoughtfully kept details private. All I can say is that I feel good for hanging in there and for the children who progressed.

FINDING TIME FOR THE REST OF THE FAMILY

I'd talk to them whenever I could. Level with them. Apologise, even. 

Turned out they were more concerned for me (getting into a frazzle) than having their own needs cherished as before.

My partner was a rock; pleased to see me doing what I can and see me getting pleasure from doing the right thing.

Our social workers were a big help. The child performed spotlessly when they were visiting, but social workers know which way is up, they knew the child wanted to stay with me so wouldn't risk a meltdown in their presence.

The child is now lined up to go to Cambridge, so something clicked somewhere along the line.

SLEEP

Ah, I remember sleep…

In fostering it's often more a case of; "napping' or 'dozing' or 'forty winks', or my favourite which is; 'sorry, I nodded off just then, you were saying?'

It's tough, but no worse than the early years of one's own family, so at least one's been there before.

And then, the child gets to their teens and sleeps 'til midday. Only we don't. We still jump up wide awake at 6.00am! Hey ho...

OTHER THOUGHTS

Interesting that your child is wonderful at home, but overwhelmed by diagnosed conditions in childcare. To be blunt it sounds like you're better at coping than the 'professionals", as many like to call themselves. Between you and me and the gatepost, maybe they need to pull their socks up. Sending a difficult child home isn't childcare at its best.

Have they ever asked you how you do what you do, what your strategies are? I bet not.

Shame. I'm 100% sure you're a magnificent foster parent and should be made to feel appreciated and revered even, at every turn.

However my guess is you'll go forward with this placement, the impact you've already had must be profound. That's why the child wants to stay with you. And I have a feeling you're in it to win it.

Yours,

SFC