GOING HOME

 As anyone who fosters knows; fostering can, from time to time, loom large in your home.

It's why Blue Sky sends one of their social workers to visit for a heart-to-heart once a month - or more often if needed - to make sure you're looking after yourself as well as your child.

No-one's alone in fostering.

I was putting a wheelie bin out when a nice couple walked past with a dog exactly like ours.

We chatted. She was a primary school teacher who'd thought about fostering but kept falling shy of taking the plunge. Shame, but I've heard it many times. I told her it was wonderful in so many ways. She said she was worried fostering would take over her life. I replied that fostering takes its place in the family home, not too much but not too little. 

Above all it brings something to the life of an innocent child.

I went inside and got on with the next job; repairing the broken garden step.The frost had got into the corner of the paving stone and it snapped off. Couldn't glue it back on, so I needed to shape a dollop of cement. I had bought a tub of quick drying. I found two offcuts of planks that could act as a frame, I just needed something heavy to prop them upright in place.

I found two old housebricks in the garden which needed to be taped to the planks.

I brought everything indoors and set up on the kitchen table on a sheet of old cardboard.

Middle foster child was hanging around the kitchen, probably hoping I wouldn't notice a fridge raid. He asked what I was doing. I explained.

Suddenly he went "Yuk!"

A little earwig/wood louse had crawled out of the brick and was trundling across the cardboard.

I grabbed the scissors and snipped off the bit of card with the little lady on it.

Then I picked it up and carefully headed out into the back garden. Child followed "Wotcha doin'?"

Me: "I'm taking her home."

Back in the kitchen child said;

"My dad; he squashes creepy-crawlies."

Me; "I try to get them home where they belong."

I think, and I hope that what I did sunk in.

And yes, in fostering we end up bringing light and warmth to the life of a child.

And much to our own life too.

 

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A MESS IN THE LIVING ROOM

 It's never any fun coming down ion the morning to a mess.

But once you have a foster child who's old enough to stay up watching TV after you've taken yourself to bed it's inevitable.

Eldest is now old enough and responsible enough. The TV has all the parental controls but there are channels that know who wants to watch what and how to programme films and shows that are groovy but safe.

Nevertheless you can't over-scrutinise their viewing. 

I had a teenager stay who loved a now-defunct daytime TV programme presented by Jeremy Kyle. You remember it? She loved it. I shared her devotion to the Kyle show at a Blue Sky support meeting and loads of other foster parents agreed; it was wildly popular with many kids in care. Why? We decided that they identified with the chaotic families on it'.  The kids had expertise in the type of disputes that were staged.

The child in question struggled to go to school. She claimed she was bullied, the school said she did her share of bullying, I suspected there was some truth in both assertions.

However, if she 'pulled a sickie', I ruled "No TV and no phone." 

She wasn't deterred. You have to admire pluck and guile sometimes, even if it adds to your workload.

She started going downstairs at night when she thought everyone else was asleep and turning the telly on with the sound very low.  Then tip-toe back upstairs later with no-one the wiser. She would have got away with it but for the tell-tale signs; an empty crisp packet here and there, one less carton of juice in the fridge. 

She was a hefty young person and she left an indent in the sofa cushions which I always plumped up before bedtime so that the place was nice to come down to.

I suspected she was maybe watching re-runs of the Kyle show which I believe one can do if you know how.

It was 'game on', as they say.

I won. Here's how.

Late one evening just before bed I went to the fuse box and closed down the mains power in the ring that served the room with the TV.

I did it for a handful of nights and she gave up.

She was a lovely girl to tell the truth. She'd had some right rotten times in her childhood for sure, but deep down was kind, caring, funny and clever. She hoped to work with animals and I helped her get information about work opportunities at dog kennels, petting zoos and local stables.

Y'know, maybe watching Jeremy Kyle made her homesick, because she badgered endlessly to go home. Her mantra, I'll never forget, was "How come I'm in care while the rest of them are at home playing happy families?"

…"happy families"…

I hope she's OK, she got home in the end, and her trail has gone cold.

Back to the current mess-maker; different ball game. He's entitled to be downstairs for a while, and is a great kid. The debris when I come down is legitimate but still a pain;

Trainers discarded, one on the coffee table, the other underneath it. Two socks left lying around, one on the sofa, one over by the TV. A hoodie down the back of the sofa.A soft blanket we drape on the sofa (for anyomne who wants a snuggle) left in a heap. An apple core, two crisp packets an empty juice bottle.

And…the remote nowhere to be seen.

Didn't take long to tidy, got it done before the kettle boiled. 

The remote was easy; down between the sofe cushions.

I didn't get bolshie about it. The youngster is coming along nicely and in fostering you have to remember the big picture.

Life has messed them around; they're entitled to make a wee mess themselves (...sometimes).

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GIVE FOSTERING A GO

 I got chatting with a lady from the other end of our road, and the subject of fostering came up.

She asked me a question along the lines of;  "Do you think fostering's for me?"

It's a hard question to answer, obviously.

I remembered a story I'd read in a children's book as a kid. It was about the Chinese wise man Confuscious.

In the story a person goes up to Confuscious and asks; "There are so many religions. How do I know which one is right for me?"

Confiscious pointed to an apple hanging on a tree, said nothing, and walked away.

The person went back to his friends and they got to debating what the great man had meant.

In the end the penny dropped, one said:

"Confiscious is saying that the only way to find out if you like apples is if you eat one!"

They agreed; "You can't tell if you like apples by thinking about them or looking at them… you have to try one!"

It's the same with fostering.

You have to pick up the phone and ask, either an agency or your local authority. Blue Sky's as good a first call as anyone. Their comntact details are on their website, Google Blue Sky fostering.

If at any point it turns out not to be your cup of tea you can say thank you, but no thank you. There's no ball and chain. What's more nobody judges anybody. Fostering is challenging and rewarding in equal amounts.

If you're thinking about fostering I wish you could see me now. I'm sitting in my kitchen looking out the window into our garden. 

And pointing at that proverbial apple.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe you have a phone call to make.

X

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SURFING AND FOSTERING

 It's easily the most asked, and also most difficult question in fostering.

"When am I going home?"

For one thing there's nothing bigger in the minds of foster children than going home.

Equally, there's no bigger question we have to answer.

Kyle asked me a couple of days ago. I had said at teatime that we were taking everyone on a summer mini-break. He hung back when I said people could get down from the table. It was just him and me for a moment. He didn't beat about the bush;

"When am I going home?"

When asked, the first thing I have to do is get past my own selfish emotions, namely a fleeting disappointment that someone wants to leave my care. It's a poor reaction, but human. I never let it show, and it recedes as soon as I gear up to respond. 

And look, they always want to go home, no matter how chaotic 'home' is.

I say 'always' but to be precise I've had a handful of foster children who I believe didn't want to go home. In most cases that was because there was virtually no home left to go to; parents sectioned, imprisoned, shot through with drugs, simply disappeared…

But the vast majority, in my experience, crave the familiar chaos. They hope their family will turn over a new leaf. But even if the family continue to fail…well, blood is thicker than water.

For fostering folk our response needs to be, first and foremost, informed. One needs to know how things are in the child's home background. But you don't have to worry about doing any research, one's supporting social workers - Blue Sky and Local Authority - provide regular updates.  They inform us with professional tact and accuracy. They're discreet but straightforward. If it's a case of them needing to say; "Isobel is in care for the long haul", they won't put it like that, they'll give you the facts; "Her mother is reported to be unlikely to take on parenthood again due to years of substance abuse that appears to have left her permanently damaged. Also there's a warrant out for her father who is holed up in the Costa del Somewhere."

The second thing to understand is the child's current wants and needs. The big thing here is that what one says is "age-appropriate", which is trickier than it sounds. I've looked after 7 year-olds who were more mature and wise than the average adult. Then there are children that are vulnerable and require TLC in buckets.

Then you have to anticipate their reason for asking the question on each occassion. Every child has a subtly different trigger each time they ask. One big thing can be that often they are motivated by an urge to be there for, say, their mum or their sibs in case they're in danger or despair.

So. 

Kyle asks "When am I going home?"

He knows his parents are all over the place, there's been trouble with the police, paramedics, court cases and so on. 

So I reply:

"I'm not sure about the very latest news on you going home (True). It's what everyone's working on (also True). I know it's hard for you and that you miss your folks (very True). Your social workers are visiting soon and I'll get an update for you (yes, True again)."

Then I said something like;

"While I think of it, we've got a couple of body boards in the garage, but we'll need one more for the mini-break. Any chance you could find one on the internet that would suit you."

He belted off to surf the net in order to surf the ocean. A kids bodyboard you can get for £6.99, and we definitely needed one more. 

Feels a bit odd spending part of one's fostering allowance on a frippery.

Only, a frippery it ain't.

It was the teatime talk of holiday that triggered (I think) his thoughts of his home life. It was a risky link away from sadness, I guess I was trying to assuage any guilt he felt that he'd be wiggling his toes in the sand while the usual mayhem was going on back home. But…I wanted him to get positive about the holiday.

Kyle and his sibs, I'm informed, have never been on holiday.

Lots of kids in care feel guilty when they're having a good time. 

He's a lovely guy. 

It's a privilege to help him on his way.

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