SURFING AND FOSTERING

 It's easily the most asked, and also most difficult question in fostering.

"When am I going home?"

For one thing there's nothing bigger in the minds of foster children than going home.

Equally, there's no bigger question we have to answer.

Kyle asked me a couple of days ago. I had said at teatime that we were taking everyone on a summer mini-break. He hung back when I said people could get down from the table. It was just him and me for a moment. He didn't beat about the bush;

"When am I going home?"

When asked, the first thing I have to do is get past my own selfish emotions, namely a fleeting disappointment that someone wants to leave my care. It's a poor reaction, but human. I never let it show, and it recedes as soon as I gear up to respond. 

And look, they always want to go home, no matter how chaotic 'home' is.

I say 'always' but to be precise I've had a handful of foster children who I believe didn't want to go home. In most cases that was because there was virtually no home left to go to; parents sectioned, imprisoned, shot through with drugs, simply disappeared…

But the vast majority, in my experience, crave the familiar chaos. They hope their family will turn over a new leaf. But even if the family continue to fail…well, blood is thicker than water.

For fostering folk our response needs to be, first and foremost, informed. One needs to know how things are in the child's home background. But you don't have to worry about doing any research, one's supporting social workers - Blue Sky and Local Authority - provide regular updates.  They inform us with professional tact and accuracy. They're discreet but straightforward. If it's a case of them needing to say; "Isobel is in care for the long haul", they won't put it like that, they'll give you the facts; "Her mother is reported to be unlikely to take on parenthood again due to years of substance abuse that appears to have left her permanently damaged. Also there's a warrant out for her father who is holed up in the Costa del Somewhere."

The second thing to understand is the child's current wants and needs. The big thing here is that what one says is "age-appropriate", which is trickier than it sounds. I've looked after 7 year-olds who were more mature and wise than the average adult. Then there are children that are vulnerable and require TLC in buckets.

Then you have to anticipate their reason for asking the question on each occassion. Every child has a subtly different trigger each time they ask. One big thing can be that often they are motivated by an urge to be there for, say, their mum or their sibs in case they're in danger or despair.

So. 

Kyle asks "When am I going home?"

He knows his parents are all over the place, there's been trouble with the police, paramedics, court cases and so on. 

So I reply:

"I'm not sure about the very latest news on you going home (True). It's what everyone's working on (also True). I know it's hard for you and that you miss your folks (very True). Your social workers are visiting soon and I'll get an update for you (yes, True again)."

Then I said something like;

"While I think of it, we've got a couple of body boards in the garage, but we'll need one more for the mini-break. Any chance you could find one on the internet that would suit you."

He belted off to surf the net in order to surf the ocean. A kids bodyboard you can get for £6.99, and we definitely needed one more. 

Feels a bit odd spending part of one's fostering allowance on a frippery.

Only, a frippery it ain't.

It was the teatime talk of holiday that triggered (I think) his thoughts of his home life. It was a risky link away from sadness, I guess I was trying to assuage any guilt he felt that he'd be wiggling his toes in the sand while the usual mayhem was going on back home. But…I wanted him to get positive about the holiday.

Kyle and his sibs, I'm informed, have never been on holiday.

Lots of kids in care feel guilty when they're having a good time. 

He's a lovely guy. 

It's a privilege to help him on his way.