Our transitioning foster child seems to be doing really well. In Care you have to be aware that things can be going on in a foster child's heart and mind that they try to conceal. But how to spot those things?
That's one of fostering biggest challenges.
The longer a child is with you the easier it becomes.
The better you know them the easier it is to ask the right questions.
And you've always got your social worker visiting who wants to know how you and your children are doing.
Transitioning must be incredibly challenging, especially when the 'child' reaches the edge of adulthood age when youngsters start to become aware of romance…love...attraction.
All that jazz.
Our child often has friends round socially, one or two of whom are transitioning. The ones who aren't transitioning are highly supportive of their friends that are. It's an absolute joy to watch and hear them laughing and chatting without a hint of the judgementalism that too many people who know nothing about the matter chuck at people who, in the main, just want to be themselves and not bother - or judge - anyone else.
I've had conversations with our other foster children about 'Alicia' and they are 'cool' about the whole thing. I'm nervous in case during Contact they talk to their family members about the fact we have a transitioning child, and the family show hostility, but it hasn't happened yet.
No, what has happened that knocked Alicia off course is that a close family member is highly anti transitioning. It's a woman, an aunt. And I had to eek the information out of Alicia because she hoped to deal with it solo.
But it turned out she WANTED me to ask her. She wanted to bring me up to speed on the concern, but needed to control the flow of information. Fine, I was happy to oblige.
It turned out the aunt who is anti-transitioning is having one of the big "0" birthdays and wants (and expects) a big party. The aunt has let it be known that she'll welcome Alicia, but she has to dress and act as the "Troy' he used to be.
Imagine.
Alicia's best friend at the moment happens to be a youngster who is transitioning from female to male. A wonderful young kid too. They're not an 'item' in the old-fashioned sense. I've noticed them in the back room watching Netflix with one arm round each other, but in a buddy way, not a "netflix" way (if you know what I mean…).
Alicia did it like this.
I'm cooking tea when she breezes through and says "Oh ye, I meant to tell you, I've been invited to a gathering with a bunch of family, so like, could I get a lift there… like…it's a Sunday afternoon…and yeah... it's like a bit y'know…complicated?"
I said "Sure".
She waited for a moment, then: "Ye, like…I don't even know if I'm definitely going or not."
I said if she wanted to go I'd drive there and pick up. I left it like that, for the time being. Her ultra 'casual' raising of the issue had been a big deal and I didn't want to pump for info.
Over the following weeks the picture got more detailed. She told me about the aunt, how they'd been close when she was little because her parents frequently lost the plot. Alicia'd lived with the aunt temporarily several times.
Alicia was economical with the truth, but I picked up on quite a few conversations she had with friends about the dilemma.
It's amazing how kids think that when you're doing the washing up you lose the sense of hearing…
I heard them analysing the aunt and getting Alicia to tell them all about her.
I overheard kids not anywhere near old enough to be classed as adults bandying sophisticated well-informed perceptions about modern middle-aged people with eloquence and…
And….?
This "And" is the best bit. With understanding and tolerance. Saying things such as;
"There wasn't any transitioning in their day, we can't expect them to understand."
"It's normal for people to want children to remain children and feel disappointment when they grow up different from bhow they were."
Then there was this one, from Alicia;
"Y'know what I think? I think maybe she's worried that people will think it was her that made me want to transition."
I have no idea if there was anything in Alicia's insight. I took it as evidence of an awareness that can get a person out of a lot of personal scrapes in life, if they listen to their own voices offering useful observations about their own thinking and their behaviour.
I also overheard that Alicia wanted to take her best friend to the party for moral support. The friend who is transitioning from female to male.
Because they'd become 'close'.
Now, you want to know, did Alicia go to the party?
Can't tell you yet. The party is still 3 weeks off.
Watch this space.
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