After reading "TF for KFC" a reader who signs as "L" posted a comment;
"May I ask a question? It's not necessarily related to this post but is something I'm struggling with and would appreciate the advice of a more experienced carer. Have you ever had a kid(s) who you've struggled to bond with / to attach to / to like? I'm not talking about challenging behaviours but about connection. If you have, how did you work through it - what worked? Thank you."
It's a good question.
I have a friend who's been 30 years in teaching, secondary education (11 through to late teens). English and English Literature. He says the biggest mistake many young teachers make is to try to get the kids to like them, and want to like them back.
The job at hand, he says, is to teach them about English; books, plays, poems etc and how to write.
The business of who likes who doesn't get anybody an 'A' level.
Sounds cold and heartless? It's professionalism.
So…maybe we move you - "L" - on with your dilemma by remembering what our profession wants of us foster parents - it's a darn site more complicated than teaching.
The requirements are summed up in good old Mazlow's Heirarchy of Needs.
First and foremost a child needs the fundamentals for survival; air, water, food, shelter, clothing and sleep. Second she needs security (from violence, crime) and predictablility in the home.
The higher you go up the heirarchy, (always looks like a mountain to me) the closer you get to where "L" is asking about;
The third tier hits the nail on the head for "L". Note it actually specifies the exact same word "L" asks about; 'connection'. Every child needs social connection and acceptance. And like most of us in fostering, we hope to get it back from the child. Mazlow says this is a family thing first and foremost. This is your Everest "L", because you can't be proper family to your foster kids, you can only be the kid's foster family.
As I've piped up at many a Blue Sky training session:
"He never fostered, this Mazlow, did he?"
Most kids in care are compliant, often even happy, with their life in fostering, but from time to time you get a grump.
My experience is that there are 101 reasons why a child brought into care might be a bit anti to their new circumstances, and we all get why. Must be hard as hell for them. Some kids seem to think if they try your patience you'll boot them out and they'll get to go home. Other children maybe test you to check that you don't give up on them. You don't. You keep accepting them no matter what.
If you feel someone doesn't like you it's hard to like them. Even harder if they're living in your home.
But. You don't boot them out. You keep giving them everything they need. If you think that they should show you they like you in return, that hope can affect your energy for the job. Our job is to climb the mountain of needs with them and get as high as we can. If we get stuck at level 3, no problem, we camp right there and keep at it.
We had a kid stay with us who was difficult to like, call him Tony. He was grumpy with my other half who one time joked he was thinking of moving into a B and B for a bit of respite! I didn't like Tony much myself at first, so I pulled back on seeking that connectivity, just provided the basics. My other half also pulled back, kept things polite but formal.
We agreed that wanting to be liked/loved wasn't the priority.
We simply stuck at it.
Then…
My other half had to go into hospitsal for a knee operation. Too much football when younger. They kept him in for two nights. (this was a good few years ago when the NHS did things like that). His armchair was empty, there was one less person at the table at teatime.
Foster child Tony said nothing, asked no questions, but pieced something was up.
I picked up other half from hospital and when Tony got home from school other half was sat in his armchair, heavily bandaged, leg up on a stool.
Then this happened:
Tony dropped his schoolbag and walked nervously towards his foster dad, with both arms outstretched. When he reached him Tony froze and kind of air-hugged him, then turned, grabbed his bag and went upstairs to his room, fast.
That air-hug meant the world and his wife to me and my other half.
We packed up tents at level 3 camp and began the ascent to level two; "Esteem".
"L", that part of the journey took about 6 months, but we made progress.
It's what we do, it's what YOU do, and you do a great job.
Thank you for sharing this, it really struck a chord. I found that some children arrive and slot straight into your heart, but with others it can be the differences in personalities and attitudes that make it hard to build that connection.
ReplyDeleteNot tantrums or classic “challenging behaviours,” but things like constant negativity, finding fault with everything, small lies or exaggerations you know aren’t true, or relentless comparisons to parents clearly meant to sting. Then there are the arguments – often just for the sake of it – the negative attention-seeking, asking for advice but then arguing why your suggestions are rubbish, or the miscuing where their attempts to seek attention or closeness come out twisted or contradictory, leaving you both frustrated and disgruntled instead of closer. And because this “work” takes place at home, there’s little respite. (I sometimes enjoy going to my office job simply for the change of scene!)
In those situations, I’ve learned – with a lot of help from social workers, trainers, and therapists – that the only option is to keep going: provide stability, care, and consistency, without expecting thanks, warmth, or a shift in personality. Sometimes the bond never looks the way we hoped, even after years, but showing up every day and doing our best is what really counts.
Yo Mooglet! You have, if I may say so, rounded off this topic perfectly. Always a pleasure to discover what you have to add, thank you. Oh, and on behalf of the children you've helped thus far and those you will help in times to come; thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for such a thoughtful and comprehensive response - I've teared up reading it. Thank you also Mooglet for your response, which I found validating.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a particularly hard day and I needed this today, thank you. I guess we'll just keep plugging away at level 3!
Dear L. I got stuck having to attend a party earlier this year, it was a fundraiser for a childrens charity I support (not enough mind, but when you foster you don't seem to have time for much else). The people there fancied themselves as the great and good because they were publicly rubbing shoulders with a charity. One woman I got stuck talking to was so full of virtue signalling I wanted to pull rank and say "Oh so you're on the board of our local theatre and you're trying to tell us it's charity work because you don't get paid? Pull back your ears sister here comes what it's like to actually DO something good, see… I foster!!!!"
ReplyDeleteOf course I didn't.
My point here L is that you should sometimes give yourself a lecture on how hard you work for others, how much of your peace and happiness you sacrifice for other people's kids.
Etc etc.
DON'T SHY AWAY FROM BLOWING YOUR OWN TRUMPET EVEN IF YOU'RE THE ONLY LISTENER.
You're great. Tell it to yourself. It's true.
I find it helps when the wind's blowing the wrong way...