CHANGING TIMES

 There's no sugaring the pill; most children taken into care have suffered some sort of damage. They arrive at the home of their new fostering folks with a lot going on inside.  There's a famous opening line from one of those Russian novels it goes something like;

"All happy families are identical. All unhappy families are unique in the cause of their unhappiness."

And for sure, every child we've looked-after has been singular, except for two things.

One. They've each had to bear the stress of being taken away from their familiars and put with a bunch of strangers.

Two. Their problems have been brought about by poor upbringing, chaotic environment, inadequate surroundings.

Stand by for another quotation. Ancient Chinese. About kids; 

"The fruit of the bramble will always be bramble, the fruit of the willow will always be willow."

Willow means upright and true. Bramble is all over the place.

Upright parents have upright children. Chaotic parents have chaotic ones. 

That used to make sense, probably was true 99% of the time.

But nowadays? Not any more.

Thanks to our incredible, fantastic, wonderful system of caring the fruit of the bramble can become willow. That gladdens the heart.

Unfortunately the reverse seems to be gathering ground. The fruit of the willow becoming bramble. Upright parents having children go all over the place.

We had our street party yesterday, and what I saw makes me even more sure that something strange is going on.

The party was for our street and the one adjacent. About 100 houses ranging from flats and bungalows, semis and detached. 150 people came. All generations were present. Our own kids and our foster kids showed up with varying degrees of reluctance and shyness. I know them inside out now and was proud to see them mingle and generally look and behave no different from the other young people. Our eldest foster child was on brilliant form, chatting away to adults he'd never met before. I could have cried, the kid is on his way in the world. I can't tell you what the child has been through in life, but believe me that child has no right to any kind of equilibrium. But the child is getting there. And doing it on their own, their way. Any credit belongs to the child.

To the best of my knowledge my lot were the only young people at the party who were in care. The others belonged to families one would best describe as mostly middle class, some as well-to-do. There was even a smattering of children who go to fee-paying schools.

I chatted to lots of neighbours and near-neighbours, many of whom I'd hardly met before, some I'd never even seen before, and the subject of children came up a lot. Only a few of my immediate neighbours know I foster. In talking to the other parents, stuff came out. The parents wanted to talk.

And a) I kid you not and b) I am going to be extra-cautious not to say anything that would allow anyone to identify anybody or even worse themselves. And please believe me I mention what I'm about to say with a heavy heart and purely in the spirit of care and the will to understand.

Of the other young people at the party (remember they all are fruit of the willow); there's been one attempted suicide, one in and out of police custody, one who has to be restrained to recieve the cocktail of medication that keeps them on the straight and narrow, another who hasn't spoken to their father for nine years, another who had to be removed from school, one who has given up on therapy and medication, two who are transitioning, and a horrific one where the child went to a party and never came home.

There were other youngsters there who seemed uncomplicated but they seemed in the minority. A friend of mine who teaches in Primary School tells me that the average number of children who have 'needs' is now over 50%.

I'm not calling them bramble, I have spent too long in fostering to ever judge anybody.

But.

These kids are in various degrees kids who have experienced, and many still are experiencing, substantial difficulties. So are their families. In fostering the children are removed from their parents' care because of the detriment the adults are doing to the children. Yet in our neighbourhood alone the majority of the kids seem to be bringing chaos and heartache to their parents.

Is this something strange and unique in my neck of the woods? Is there something in our water?

Or is something strange going on? 

If so what?