LITTLE THINGS ARE BIG IN FOSTERING

 I've always tried not to pass on advice, or at least if I feel I must, I try to do it sparingly and above all modestly.

I can't always be right.

When our first-born was a baby I used to wheel him around the shops in a pushchair. I was constantly beset by people wanting to "Oooo" and "Aaaah" at him. Then they'd offer me advice. I didn't ask their advice, they simply did. I guess it did them good, took them back to happy memories of their first-born.

I had a T shirt made up with the words "No More Advice" printed on it, but never wore it.

When someone asks for my advice I generally work out what they intend to do no matter what advice I give them, and tell them that's what I think they should do.  Why? Because they're probably going to do it anyway and stand a better chance of success if they have the additional confidence of knowing that other people are behind them.

Those are my thought on advice.

However…

I'm going to call these fostering titbits "Tips". There, that's cleared my conscience.

1. Buy a set of children's cutlery. It helps them use knives and forks. Remember, many chaotic homes eat with their hands out of the carton.

2. Put food out on the table in bowls and let everyone choose what they want and how much.

3. When a new child arrives kneel down and talk to them at their level. Any idea how big we giants look to a frightened child?

4. Put a bowl of fruit in their room and tell them it's their property.

5. Make sure you always have Dolmio and Penne in the larder, in case you get an emergency call. It keeps forever and no child I've had has turned up her nose at it.

6. Don't decorate the child's room in either blue or pink.

7. Find out what the child's favourite TV is, and teach yourself to enjoy watching it with them.

8. Don't shout up the stairs that "Tea's ready!". Raised voices in many failing homes is a precursor of big trouble.

9. Show them how everything in the bathroom works.

10. On your way back home from Contact pull into a petrol station and let them choose a snack. It was harder on them than we'll ever know.

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WHERE DOES FOSTERING FIT IN FAMILY LIFE?

 This is going to sound like an offload.

Because it is. An offload skillfully disguised as a reveal about how we foster parents embed our fostering in everything else that's going on in the home. The normal family stuff. Which from time to time is a bit much.

So; last night I slept on the sofa.

I slept on the sofa to be with our big dog, who yesterday had an operation to replace her cruciate ligament, which she snapped. An artificial ligament was put in as a replacement. Major operation. 

We're also looking after another dog, a wee one. She belongs to the sister of one of our two daughters-in-law. They've got an 18 month old toddler, our grandson. We took the wee dog off their hands because the dog is getting old and needs constant care with her number ones and twos, and you don't want that with a toddler permanently in the house. The dog doesn't actualy belong to our daughter-in-law, she took the dog in when her sister, whose dog it is, got a job in Dubai and thought the temperature would be too much for the dog. How we've ended up with the dog is a mystery; the reason the sister's parents can't have the dog is because, in their words; "We're cat people." Only they don't actually have any cats.

So I spent the night on the sofa to be beside our big dog, who's housed in a six foot cage because she mustn't put any weight on her operated leg. The wee dog slept on the arm of the sofa, by my head.

Our other daughter-in-law, who also has an 18 month-old toddler, is unwell with sinusitis so I'm going over to see her and help out later today.

Both sets of parents live 5 minutes from us, thankfully.

I'll be taking our other grandchild, the grandson, who normally gets looked after by his other grandmother one day a week (today) but the grandmother (the "cat" person with no cats) is in Dubai with her daughter who's also just had a baby.

I'm looking after our grandson today, so he'll come with me to our other daughter-in-law, the one who has sinusitis. Her partner (our eldest son) works away from home four nights a week, so she's on her own.

Meantime my partner is spending the morning supporting an elderly friend who's on his own, before going into town to have a secret coffee meeting with an ex-colleague who's now a head honcho with a big firm and might be able to wangle a job for my man, whose employers are struggling and might have to do redundancies. All a bit of a headache, obviously.

Somewhere in all of this stuff; we foster.

And it works. It works like this;

Last night my other half and I drove to the vets to bring our dog home after her surgery. Our eldest foster child took control of the house. When we got home, foster child had secured the wee dog in the kitchen and came out to help us carry big dog in. We coudn't have done it without him. He showed enormous common sense and calm, and more than that he showed true and deep empathy for the dog, who was confused and frightened.

Watching him care for our wounded pet was incredibly uplifting, the child has had a hard time and is only just starting to find empathy in his heart.

We got the dog into her cage in the living room and he stayed and chatted with us, a peer amongst peers, not a child with his parent/carers.

A milestone moment, and one born out of the maelstrom of normal family life.

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ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS?

What do you make of these words?

"What is Fostering?

Fostering refers to the process of providing temporary care and support to children and young people who cannot live with their birth families for various reasons. Fostering is typically arranged by local authorities or non-governmental organisations (NGOs) that work to ensure the safety and well-being of vulnerable children.

Foster carers, also known as foster parents, are responsible for providing a stable, safe, and nurturing home environment for the children in their care. They may provide short-term or long-term care, depending on the needs of the child and the specific circumstances of the placement. Foster carers also work closely with social workers, teachers, and other professionals to support the child's education, health, and emotional development.

Fostering is different from adoption, as it is intended to be a temporary arrangement until the child can either return home or find a permanent home through adoption or other means. Fostering can be a rewarding experience for those who are interested in making a positive difference in the lives of children and young people in need.

What are the other rewards in fostering?

Fostering can be a very rewarding experience in many ways. Here are some of the potential rewards of fostering:

1. Making a positive impact: Fostering allows you to make a significant and positive impact on the life of a child or young person. You can provide a safe and nurturing home environment that can help them to thrive and grow.
2. Personal growth and fulfillment: Fostering can be a deeply fulfilling experience that can help you grow personally and professionally. You can learn new skills, develop greater empathy and compassion, and gain a deeper appreciation for the value of family and community.
3. Creating meaningful relationships: Fostering can allow you to form meaningful and lasting relationships with the children in your care, as well as with their birth families and other professionals involved in their care.
4. Access to support and training: As a foster carer, you will have access to support and training to help you provide the best possible care to the children in your care. This can include financial support, access to counseling and therapy, and training in areas such as child development, trauma-informed care, and managing challenging behaviors.
5. Making a difference in your community: Fostering can also allow you to make a difference in your community by helping to provide a stable and loving home for children who might otherwise be at risk.

Overall, fostering can be a rewarding and meaningful experience for those who are committed to making a positive difference in the lives of vulnerable children and young people

Who are 'Blue Sky Fostering'?

Blue Sky Fostering is a private fostering agency in the United Kingdom. They provide foster care services to children and young people who are unable to live with their birth families for a variety of reasons, including neglect, abuse, or family breakdown. Blue Sky Fostering is one of the largest independent fostering agencies in the UK, and they work closely with local authorities to provide high-quality care to children and young people in need.

Blue Sky Fostering aims to provide a safe, nurturing, and stable home environment for every child in their care. They provide ongoing support and training to their foster carers to ensure that they have the skills and knowledge necessary to meet the complex needs of the children in their care. Blue Sky Fostering also works closely with birth families and other professionals involved in the child's care to ensure that the child's needs are met and that their welfare is safeguarded.

Overall, Blue Sky Fostering is a respected and experienced fostering agency in the UK that is committed to providing high-quality care to vulnerable children and young people in need."

The reason I asked if you have any thoughts on the above is that it wasn't written by a human. It's the "thoughts" of a machine. Artificial Intelligence. 

It answered the questions instantly, well, in 1-2 seconds. One of our foster children showed me how. It's far from perfect; I asked it who I am and it got me half-right and half wrong - I haven't authored 2 books. At least not yet..maybe these darned machines can see into the future!

After all, they are the future. Whether we like it or not.

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THE PLUS SIDES OF CONTACT

I'm not going to go on - again - about why the whole business of Contact could be improved.

Instead I'm going to sing one of its genuine praises that deserves to be sung.

Contact is where a foster child is given contact, usually for an hour once a week, with a significant other, usually a parent.

When you foster a child it can take a long time before you get a really good picture of who your foster child is.

Of course, you can never get a full picture because the picture is always changing, hopefully for the better.

If the child isn't developing then they need help.

Some children, when taken into care, have started to give up on the world. Their hopes and dreams have begun to go up in smoke. As their foster parent one has to roll up one's sleeves and try to turn them around.

It's not just the kids that give up on themselves. Some aduts form the view that children who've suffered have begun an irreversible decline . One poor mite I had to take to counselling was bright as a button inside, just mixed up.

I told the counsellor that the child had a fine mind, and had it in them to get to a good university and make a go of life. The child didn't like being counselled, so gave up after the second session. But the counsellor thought they'd learned anough about the child to have opinions.

For reasons I won't divulge I was recently privvy to many of the child's records, including what the counsellor wrote about us;

"The child's foster carer has unrealistic hopes for the child."

Imagine the joy I'm having in writing to the counsellor and informing them that I've just learned that the child, now a young adult, is being offered a Foundation Year at none other than Cambridge University.

As Nelson says in the Simpsons;

"Ha ha!"

One of the good things that Contact's got going for itself is that you get to see, and sometimes meet, the child's family.

It can really, really help to get hold of this peice of the jigsaw of their problems.

Example;

Jethro was eight years old when he came to us. He was very hyper. Always on edge. We tried to meet all his needs, and in particular we tried to calm him down.

All the while trying to work out why he was nervous. One time I asked him to pass me a pair of safety scissors and he picked them up with theatrical care, gripping the blades and holding them pointing down. I thought little of it at the time. On another ocassion we were eating tea and one of my kids was telling an animated story while holding a slice of pizza. "Stop waving that pizza about!" I laughed, and Jethro added "You'll have someone's eye out."

Hmmmm

Then I met his mum. She was heading into the Contact Centre but saw us parking up. She waswell dressed but carried a bewildered stare. As we got out of the car she called out to me' "Where's his coat? He'll freeze to death in this weather!"

Jethro made his way towards her at a fast walk.

Mum shouted "Be careful! Don't run! You'll fall over and cut yourself to pieces!"

They disappeared and I had easily picked up another bit of Jethro's identikit picture.

His mother was a nervous, anxious woman. One who had taken being risk averse to great heights.

She was a bit of a catastrophiser.

Someone constanty treating themselves to mental pictures of the worst case scenario.

The problem as far as I was concerned lay with Jethro developing it by proxy.

I talked about it with our wonderful Social Worker.

The solution lay in not wrapping Jethro in cotton wool. He was allowed to climb the little apple tree in our garden without anyone shouting that annoying phrase all too many parents use:

"Be careful!"

He skinned his knees after discovering a rusty pair of roller skates in the shed. I'd accompanied him into the shed (as you should always do), but didn't keep saying things like "Don't touch that!" or "Watch yourself there!"

I didn't allow him to take any real risks, only little ones that barely had any consequence. For example, he'd never been allowed to bounce on his bed "You'll fall off and break your neck!"

Did the treatment work? I think so, a little bit. He had fun for sure and fun is very therapeutic.

But it was all thanks to Contact, and what I learned about his mum, his home life, the reason he was jumpy.

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