SHOULD THEY PIERCE?

A question has just been posted in connection with a piece I wrote in March 2019 entitled "Fostering and Studs", the sender is anonymous, which is often the best thing, to respect the child's privacy.

"I have a kinship foster child for 2 years now and is begging me to let her have her navel pierced!

She is 15 and has had a very troubled past but now has turned a corner and is really thriving.
Apart from the fact that she still has to have involvement from social services and hates to be reminded that officially she is still a child in care often telling them they are not needed and that we are now her proper parents and can make all the decisions in her life.
Her birth mum had her ears pierced for her at age 3 months!
Now to stay on trend with all her friends she wants to get a second ear piercing and her navel saying it will boost her confidence and make her feel much better about herself.
My quandary is do I legally have to inform everyone as I have both parents approval?"

In a nutshell my understanding is that it depends in part on who the child's legal guardian is.

You mention that the child still has involvement with social services, so I'm guessing a court order is in place that was taken out to remove the child from her birth parents. In which case the child's legal guardian at this moment is her local authority.

Thing is, I have no experience of kinship fostering and the rules and guidances. I bet every case is unique and decision-making depends on things such as the age and character of the child, the relationship between the child and her birth parents and the bond between the child and her kinship foster parents. But if the local authourity is the legal guardian; they have final say.

I imagine that in kinship fostering the biggest issue at times could be one that ordinary foster parents don't have to deal with on the same scale, namely the relationship between the birth parents and foster parents. We ordinary foster parents have scant contact with the foster child's birth parents, and rarely have any relationship with them, yet what little interaction there is can be tricky. But I'm guessing nowehere near as tricky as it might be when it's an all-family thing.

However in this case you have the agreement of the birth parents.

Here's what I'd do; check with the school that they don't have any rules which could be a problem. Talk to the parents of your daughter's friends to see if and how they're dealing with similar requests. Find a trustworthy and reliable piercing practitioner. Read up on the internet about piercing, I'm guessing it's a fascinating subject.

I have a feeling you're across those things.

Then I'd email the child's social worker and put them in the picture.

There's no law preventing 15 year-olds from getting ears or navals pierced. The NHS doesn't have any objections as I understand it to minors piercing, at least not to ears and navals. 

One thing; I'd want to be as sure as possible that the child's reason for wanting a piercing is down to fashion and not in any way connected to any body image crisis or curiosity about self-harming. Sounds to me in your case an ear stud would be good for her.

Social services would to want to satisfy those questions too. My guess is they'd be fine about the ear but might ask to speak to the child if she wants to up to the naval, as it's a bit more fraught.

If that turns out to be the case I'd go back to the child and give the ear a thumbs up but ask them to hold off on the naval until the ear is well and happy. That way social services might not need to talk to the child direct. 

As I see it this one boils down to this; you want this young person, who wants to be your daughter, to continue to thrive and grow, and develop her love for you and being part of your family. It's good for her wellbeing and enriching for your family. But you're also aware that sometimes parents have to say "No".

However in your case my gut tells me you'll be tempted to get your ears done at the same time, if you haven't already. Go sister!

When all is said and done it's her body and her life, and one day soon she'll be free to use it almost as she wants. She'll make her own mistakes and have her own triumphs. But it sounds like however and wherever she grows up, and however you handle your quandary she knows she'll always have a strong and loving significant other, a valuable friend. A sensible but cool go-to.

And more than that, a great mum.

You. 

Good luck! Take care of yourself too.