CROSSROADS

Oh dear, youngest foster child is at another crossroad in life.

Crossroads.

Have you ever noticed that life is nothing but a series of little crossroads punctuated by occasional big crossroads?

It's odd but the big crossroads are somehow easier to deal with because we can see that they are crossroads.

When we know we're at a big crossroad we hunker down and give it our all. We think about it endlessly, talk to people we trust. We work hard to make the right call.

Crossroads such as when a person has to decide about staying on at school or looking for a job. Big crossroad.

When a person has to make their mind up about a relationship. Big crossroad.

When it's the crossroad of choosing to leave home and go it alone or stay on at mum and dad's. Committing to marriage or a long-term partnership or not. Starting a family. Huge crossroads.

Back to youngest child and their current crossroad. 

What it is is…a falling out with the bestie.

They've been besties for nearly a year and it was great overhearing them laughing at the same bits in Spongebob, raiding the larder together and going through a tube of Pringles together. Meeting up in town and going off together for an hour then meeting me back outside Boots an hour later.

The falling out began over food, which is a major issue with youngest foster child because the child was ill-nourished in the birth home. When I say "ill-nourished" I'm repeating the terminology of formal reports. Fact is the kid went without food sometimes for days, apart from scraps in the bin and remnants in chip wrappers pushed down the side of the sofa. I'd call it casual, sometimes deliberate starvation, but the official term is "ill-nourished".

The ongoing outcome of being ill-nourished is a hyper anxiety about food supply. To remedy this I try to keep the larder well stocked and the fridge at least half-full. The child often surreptitiously visits the kitchen and has a quiet peek to make sure there's food in the house. After every weekly shop the child waits until I've unpacked the food and then goes and luxuriates by staring at all the packets and tins.

Example of the ongoing outcome of 'ill-fed'; the child never finishes the school lunch box. Brings home at least half of it and smuggles it into the bedroom. Why? Because the child needs to know that food is available, and that they have control to eat when they want to. Another example; have you ever eaten a stick of uncooked spaghetti? Of course not. But youngest foster child has. Because, we learned, the only item in the family larder was an opened but unused pack of spaghetti. The child used to snack one if alone in the house. Only one at a time mind, because the child knew there'd be hell to pay if the adults discovered the "theft". The child worked out they wouldn't miss a solitary stick every now and then. By the way, I tried one myself to increase my understanding of the child, trust me; don't attempt it. Poor kid.

Back to the falling out with the bestie. The falling out began when the bestie, at our house one Saturday afternoon, went to our larder and helped herself to a cookie. According to youngest foster child she didn't ask, didn't offer to share. Simply sat down and ate it.

Foster child went ballistic and threw her out. Told her to go home. Never wants to see her again. Shouted that "You only come here for the food, not my company!"

However, youngest is starting to see it was an over-reaction, and hence is now at a bunch of crossroads.

Has to decide whether to make up with bestie or move on. 

If the decision taken is to make up, the question is how? Should there be an apology, or try to pretend it never happened? 

If the decision is to move on, how to handle the gossip at school, and how to find new friendship?

It's always painful to have a foster child who is sad. They all have plenty to be sad about from past experiences, but when they come to us we hope they won't suffer any more. But they will, that's life. At least they have foster parents who will go the extra mile for them.

In the case of youngest foster child v bestie, I'm getting to talk more than ever before with the child. There's been a watershed of new intimacy and bonding. The child needs to talk about it, and in the abscence of a peer-age bestie, I've become...dare I say it…the child's new (temporary) bestie!

The child is benefitting from a bunch of things. For one, having to think through a previous action and process it. Two; learning about handling mistakes and coming up with strategies to repair them. Three; that the foster mum understands and is loyal to them without condoning the incident.

One thing I will never do is try to explain to the child how the over-reaction was triggered by previous abuse. That's too complex for a child. I'll leave that kind of analysis to the talking-cure professionals. Plus, if I brought the child's inner workings to the child's attention it might only trigger more angst by causing the child to remember past abuse.

The child's decision? 

Hasn't been made yet, but is drifting towards moving on, which I support. 

But when I say I support that, I'd support the child if they'd gone the other way.

I'm the child's foster mum, not the child's relationship counsellor.  

I'm not there to advise or judge, I'm there to support.

Support every twist and turn their lives take.

At every crossroad.