A foster carer who often offers wisdom on this blog, "Mooglet" commented on "Home From Home" that sometimes their dog is first to spot when a foster child is sad or troubled.
So, so true.
Not that foster carers are oblivious to a child's moods, far from it. It's the kernel of what we do.
But we also have to cook dinner, keep the house tidy, do the shopping…
…get the car through its MOT, find someone competent to fix the gutter, keep an eye on mum who's not getting any younger.
I could go on.
We fostering people have to fit our fostering in with everything else life demands.
The family dog has only two distractions; a) her next meal, and b) walkies.
The rest of the time our dog's antenna is operating 100%. Meanwhile we fostering folk are trying to stay alert to our children's needs and at the same time wondering if the faint smell of drains from the kitchen sink needs sorting.
So, yes - often our dog can be first to sense there's a child with an unhappiness.
But it works both ways.
Children in care often make their first connection in their new home with…the dog.
Which is why we have a particular challenge in our home right now which is this.
We have two dogs; "Friday" a champion 3 year old Golden Retriever, kind as any saint. And a 14 year-old Bichon Frize. The breed is a toy dog, if you like, but irresistibly cute. They have a habit of cocking their head from side to side when you talk to them as if they're weighing up what you're saying.
Her name's Bella.
She's starting to die.
I'll not disturb you with the upsetting details, but she needs hand-feeding and sleeps above my head on the pillow. She gets lost in the garden. The wonderful vet has said, quite rightly that their job is to keep life going until suffering becomes too much. But the day will dawn.
My other half and I have, yesterday and no doubt tomorrow talked about paliative care, euthenasia, cremation.
We're also talking about how to include our foster children in this process.
It's a thing we've had happen before. We got it wrong last time and want to learn from our mistakes.
The dog - another Golden retriever called "Nugget" was incapacitated and her day had come.
But, to be brutally up front, we screwed up by saying nothing to our foster child at the time, so they came home from school and we sat the child down and said that Nugget had gone.
He was upset in many ways, most of all, it seemed, he said he wanted to say goodbye.
The same child is still with us, and seems to know the current situation is heading towards another kindness trip to the vet.
He's not a massive talker, but he said this, from nowhere;
"I know you think I hate Bella, but I love her really."
He knows. We'll let him have a chance to say goodbye.
It'll be painful for him but noble.
The thing is this. Death is a towering concept for everyone.
When you're fostering and asked to introduce children belonging to other people to the concept of death, it's yet another facet of why this job is so important, and sometimes so beautiful.
I'm just catching up on your blogs, and agree with your response to my last comment - Dogs for Fostering is a great idea. One of our current kids does "Dog Therapy" once a week at school. The kiddo spends time teaching the dog tricks and can pick a teacher to show them to. It's all about self-esteem building, learning empathy, and getting some much-needed cuddles.
ReplyDeleteAnother kiddo won't have hugs, won't do physical affection at all - except with the dog. Then, out of the blue a week back, the kiddo joined a group hug. I was hugging the dog, and the kiddo joined in, hugging the dog, of course, not me, they said. I suspect deep down the kiddo wants and really needs some hugs, but it's a step too far right now. So, the dog has to play the middle man - luckily, he doesn't mind! I'm glad the kids get a chance to say goodbye.
I'm sorry you're saying goodbye to a family member. It's rough when you're making the call about quality of life. I remember my mom taking our old cat to the vet and never getting that chance to say goodbye. That was 30 years ago - but it taught me a valuable lesson, that every moment with pets is precious, because their lives are short and fragile. So, that extra two seconds each morning to ruffle their fur is well worth it. I think your boy learned that too, another important lesson you taught him.