WOBBLIES

I got chatting with a fellow Blue Sky foster mum at a group meeting. What she had to say that morning came back to me today.

What brought her words back was this; one of our foster children had a wobbly.

Can I talk for a moment about 'wobblies' in fostering?

Many children have them, not only children in care. And for all sorts of reasons.

My fostering friend told me about a trip they'd taken to the seaside.

Sandcastles, paddling, candy floss, crazy golf, the pier, fish and chips… wall to wall happiness.

On the way back the child boiled over.

It had been his first day out.

Ever. 

Guess what had triggered the wobbly? He was feeling guilt about feeling happy.

Yep. Many's the conversations I've had with Blue Sky social workers about this one.

It seems to happen with certain children in care more than others and has something to do with the feeling that they believe that somehow they deserved the bad things that have happened to them. They can even think that the break-up of their family was their fault. They think they've been badly so behaved that they had to be taken away, so don't deserve to be happy. So when they get happiness they sometimes get guilt.

What can we foster folk do to help them when it happens?  The first thing I try is, where safe, to let the upset to run its course rather than make a great fuss to try to turn them around. Allow them let off a bit of steam. Be patient and sympathetic.

Er… that's it really.

I've found - almost always - that a child in care is at peace after a wobbly.

In the case of our current child's wobbly, the child had actually texted me a couple of days prior and written "I actually feel very happy at the moment." 

I suppose I should have been ready for a rebound, but hope always triumphs over expectation so the wobbly caught me unawares. It was harmless enough but for 5 minutes the child was saying things through gritted teeth, with tears squeezing through scrunched up eyes, things such as; 

"You don't understand…"

"You weren't there…"

"I don't know what I think…my brain is mad..."

I usually find the right moment to suggest they go up to their room and calm down, maybe come downstairs when they feel a bit better. I make it crystal clear they're not being banished. 

I never say things like "I understand" because I don't understand. It's true I wsn't there when whatever happened happened. And I have no idea how they cope with their own thoughts and recollections.

Wobblies blow over.

And obviously we don't stop making moments of magic for fear of triggering another wobbly. 

On the contrary we keep giving them as many moments of happiness as we can. 

And helping them emerge from their occasional wobble with dignity and pride intact.