PARENT AND CHILD

A lost mitten belonging to a child has been hanging on our gatepost for the last couple of days. It looks miserable, but the hope is always there someone will rescue it and get it back together with the other one. Bit of a metaphor for fostering actually. 

A neighbour said to me he was surprised somebody hasn’t stolen it. When I said that I didn’t think anybody would steal a single small mitten he replied;

"You’d be surprised."

A fostering friend once told me that her stock reply to anyone who ever said to her "You’d be surprised" is to say "I’m in fostering. Nothing surprises me."

I like to think the same thing applies to me.

However our latest placement has definitely raised my eyebrows a notch higher than ever before.

They’ve been here now nearly two days and nights, and the usual adjustments to our home are bedding in. It always takes a bit of time before you understand a new placement and work out how the people dynamic in your house is going to operate whilst they are with you.

They are not my first parent and child pairing. I go back to the days when it was called mother and baby. Even if they still call it that, we wouldn’t be able to in this case. For the simple reason that we’ve got the dad and his child.

Let me tell you what I can about the backstory of these two. The father and mother of the child are unmarried, and are in estranged due to insurmountable and sometimes extremely hostile difficulties.

The mother was looking after the child who is now 18 months old. She was living with her parents but it appears that her volatility cause ructions in the house which culminated in the mother running away leaving the child leaving teh child with the grandparents. The mother's whereabouts are unknown but she was seeing a young man who describes himself as a man of the road, living as he did in a converted van. It seems there are no fears for her safety at the moment, and although we understand the police are on the lookout for the van should its numberplate literally cross the radar, it’s it’s not yet a missing persons thing.

The mother's parents are neither able nor willing to look after an infant, so social services stepped in and were about to find a foster home for the child when her father showed up. He had heard the news on the grapevine. Correction; there is no grapevine anymore, he read about it on Facebook.

To his credit he said he’d like to look after his child.But here’s the thing, he himself is a bit of a sofa surfer. His parents are separated and he doesn’t have anything to do with them. So social services were looking for a foster home that would taking dad and his child until they could do two things. Number One find some social housing for them, Number Two to establish that he is capable of parenting his child

At this point enter myself. Or should I say enter them into our home. The job of Parent and Child is a kind of fostering plus, you have to provide all the things you normally do in fostering, but on top of that social services ask that you make ongoing assessments of the capability of the adult.

I’ve always found it a massive massive responsibility, and the first time I did it I hold my hands up because I know I got it wrong. I was too keen to help the parent keep her child, I believed that if I was given enough time I could’ve turned her into a good enough mum. Social was sceptical and looking back they were right.

I had to be reminded that my responsibility was mainly to the baby and I ended up agreeing that it should be adopted.It came as a surprise to me to discover that the mother didn’t bat an eyelid at the news she was losing her child which only went to show me how far off the mark. 

I can tell you a little bit about father and child. Starting with the child (I’m now consciously putting the child first). I can’t tell you the child’s name, but it’s useful for me to conjour one just to paint the picture. To give you some idea of her name let's say she is called Sue, short for Suzuki. Children coming into care often have arresting and exotic names, I don’t know why. Little "Sue" as no idea of her circumstances obviously, but he is curious, engaging and playful and seems blessed with all the normal competencies of a toddler. It never ceases to amaze how well balanced babies can turn out to be despite whatever chaos and shortcomings the biological parents carry around.

So, here I am at present keeping an eagle eye on Sue to ensure she has all she needs, the right food and drink, safe environment and mental stimulation mainly in the form of contact and conversation and interaction. I’m keeping a different kind of eagle eye on Lenny (I'm calling him) watching to see how he develops the skills necessary to be a complete single parent where usually two doing the job find it easier to share responsibilities.

I don’t think we’re allowed to say anymore that two parents are better than one so whether I think that or not I’m not going to go into here. Come to think of it it won’t be long before we’re not allowed to say that a child in infancy needs a mother more than a father; it's a fast changing world - mainly for the better by goodness we have to concentrate.

Besides checking that Lenny knows or he needs to know information about potty training and feeding and sleep patterns I’m also watching to see what his inborn parenting skills are like.

These things are difficult to measure but measure I must; so I’m constantly on the lookout for empathy and the signs that he is worth Sue attaching herself to and absorbing pieces of his personality.

Social Services are not intending to begin the hunt for some social housing for the pair pair until Lenny gets approval to take her on.

I’m looking forward to getting this one right and next time I’ll be able to tell you a bit more.