THE SADNESS OF THE TENDER HEART

 Have you ever heard a dog owner who's out walking their TWO dogs say;

"Two dogs are easier than one."

Well fostering is different. If you've one child that child and your family have to find a way to knit, but the knitting is kind of one-dimensional; a blood family/a non-blood addition. There's a lot of getting to know one another going on, it's hectic for all concerned, especially the foster child.

When you have more than one foster child the dynamics get complicated; you have a) your own family and b) the background and personality of the first foster child and b) the background and personality of the second foster child. So there are four dynamics that have to be kept on track: a+b, a+c, a+b+c, and of course b+c.

Right that's enough algebra, down to brass tacks;

Having a parent and child under your roof means having a whole lot more than the above, because you're helping and advising the parent, minding out for the child, and crucially you are forming a judgement about whether or not the parent is up to the job.

The father is now past his honeymoon with us and has started to beg for nights out leaving us with his 18 month old daughter. It's understandable in any young man, but I have to be up when he gets home to see his state. So far so good, although he smells of tobacco (I think it's only tobacco but I'd make a useless sniffer dog), he isn't tiddly at all. He makes no secret that he smokes and goes to the bottom of our garden for one. The question is would he do so if he was alone with the child in social housing accomodation? Or, would he simply light up, Social Services are dead against smoking in the company of a child for whom they Care.

Hmmm.

It was noble of the dad to step forward and announce that he would look after his daughter once the mother had disappeared, but he has to do the job properly. It might be a case of waiting to see if the novelty wears off. Social Services have tried to make clear to him that he has to make parenting his daughter his absolute priority, that they'll be running regular checks and if he blows it the child will go into Care alone and probably put up for adoption. That process would take up time, effort and the Courts, but it's the only way. He nods his head while the deal is explained to him but I'm not sure if he's any good at listening. Lots of people switch off when another person is talking.

So; we know he smokes. But doesn't appear to depend on alcohol.

He struggles with making age-appropriate conversation with his daughter. This is partly because he doesn't speak clearly. Not only that, he uses negotiation as a tool to get his daughter's co-operation and you can see she doesn't always get it. 

Example;  he might say to her

"If you go and get daddy the remote control off the TV stand you will earn a biscuit"

But it comes out like this (phonetically);

"Ere yer are, go get va remote off o' the telly fing and I'll giv yer a bikky"

It's hard enough for a child to pick up a language, but when the individual words are skewed and run together it's harder. Even harder when the adult uses slang and lazy speech. Even worse when the behaviour the adult seeks is mildly wrong in lots of ways. In the case of the above, the proposition is absurd because when he said it he wanted to watch Sky Sports which would alienate him from his daughter when he ought to be engaging with her. Not only that, if he was too shiftless to get up himself and get the remote he would probably have deferred the 'reward' until he was next in the kitchen, so the child would have felt cheated.

But; at least there was some effort at engagement…

The above example is not exceptional. Single-parenthood is difficult in many ways. In some ways it can be better than having two parents if, for example, those parents fight a lot. But in many ways it's harder, not just in that there's no-one else to share the jobs and no-one at home to talk to about the child.  It can be lonely.

This young man still has plenty of his youth to enjoy.

I'm starting to lean towards saying that in my humble opinion he's going to struggle and therefore so will his daughter.

Luckily the final decision rests elsewhere, but my views will be listened to.

I must be honest, although it may be for the best that the child is removed, I have a heavy heart.

Our Blue Sky Social Worker is magnificent. She is constantly reminding me that we're in the business of doing what's best for the child. She tells me of many cases where the best thing that ever happened to children she's looked after was to be separated.

My head gets that.

It's the heart that struggles..