SEPARATING A PARENT AND CHILD

As I've already said, our Parent and Child placement is taking up most of our concentration.

You'd think the other young family members (our own chidren and our foster children) would be put out, jealous even.

Not a bit of it.

It's an interesting thing this, the value of having a teeming house. 

I remember an old friend of mine who was an only child telling me that one of the hardest things about being an 'only' is that there's no hiding place. The only child's parents have only one child to focus on and consequently the child feels like they are 'it' all day and every day. The parents know where the child is all the time, they know what the child is doing, even what the child may be thinking.

If you've a houseful of young ones they can each choose to disappear off the parents radar and enjoy the independence and privacy that comes with being parent-free for a while. Freedom!

Fascinating.

However, back to our Parent and Child.

Quick reprise; we're fostering a young man and his toddler daughter. The mum ran off and the child was due to be adopted but the estranged dad showed up and claimed he'd like to parent his daughter. He has no means, no home of his own, he's a bit of a drifter. Social Services will house him but only if he can prove he'll be a capable parent. My observations his will form part of that decision. 

It's a massive responsibility, but if you keep your focus on the needs of the child your conscience is clear.

The dad is beginning to show parent fatigue. Anyone who's had a child knows what this feels like; an infant is exhausting if you're doing it right. They need constant vigilance every minute they're awake, if nothing else to ensure their own safety. But on top of making sure they're safe, the parent has to keep up a draining barrage of stimulation. They must talk to the child almost non-stop, engage with the child, centre with the child's growing interest and competence with the world and all its wonders. It can be highly rewarding, but it's also exhausting.

A toddler's understanding is obviously limited and therefore the parent has to inhabit a world that is far less interesting to them than the world they've grown to enjoy. Unless they can find stimulation in their child's burgeoning development.

In a nutshell, I'm sad to say, the dad has become bored with his daughter. 

Here's what happened that helped me grasp that he probably will have to give her up.

He goes out when he can and hooks up with friends, leaving the child with me. Fair enough, we all need a break. But he's doing it more and more. I keep a diary. By way of balance I insist he also spends a proper amount of time alone with the child. What little I've seen of his playing with her leaves me wondering if he is making a connection.

When he returns from a jaunt into town he invariaby brings her a gift. A cuddly toy, a drawing book, a box of sweets, those sort of spoils. Then he'll disappear with her as required for play.

He came to me for advice.

"She don't want none of the things I buy her."

Me; "Oh dear. Such as?"

"You know that foam jigsaw thing I bought her? She ain't interested."

I'd sneaked a look at the toy and the box had stated it was suitable for 3yrs and above. The child isn't two yet. His explanation was that the shop didn't have anything for her age. Then he said this;

"She keeps nicking my phone. It's a nightmare. It's all she wants. I tell you every time I put it down if I'm not careful she swipes it and either runs off with it or hides it. Driving me mad. I buy her all them toys and all she wants is my phone."

I ached to say to him;

"Of course she does! You know why? Because her daddy is always on his phone. You buy her a toy and hope it'll buy you free time in her company. You expect her to teach herself how to play with it so you can disappear into your phone. You're teaching her that your flipping phone is more interesting, more enjoyable, more worthy of your love and attention than she herself. She doesn't want the phone, doesn't know what the heck it is, but knows that you love it. She is imitating you, which a major way kids learn. Plus she's jealous of it because you prefer it to her. Blimey she might even be trying inconsciously to BE a mobile phone!"

I didn't though.

Because he wouldn't have grasped it. As far as he was concerned it was a simple case of her being - to use his oft quoted word;

"Naughty"

It's terribly sad in some ways, but the dad simply hasn't got what it takes. After all, if he was up to scratch he wouldn't have walked himself into demonstrating to how little he understood - or cared - for his daughter.

And reveal that he spent all his quality time alone with her texting mates and playing mobile phone games. 

But, it's also satisfying to know that the child will have a better future being otherwise parented. And the lad himself will be able get on with being a young man and not have to fish around for a babysitter every time he wants to party.

Just to repeat;with a Parent and Child placement the fosterer dosen't make any decision about the child's future, that is entirely the job of those who get called 'the professionals'. 

They weigh up everything they can pull in to get to the right call. The fosterer's observations are high on the list, but they edit out any opinions we may have, and just stick to the facts. When I told their Local Authority Social Worker about the mobile phone thing she made a note of what was said but I could tell she drew the same conclusion as I did, so my opinion wasn't needed.

Which is a relief. It's awful to feel that a parent and child are best parted, and this is where our Blue Sky Social Worker comes in and supports me with wise counsel and encouragement, reminding me that their separation will be best for both of them.

And help me get past the feeling that I've somehow failed…

"Bittersweet" is a strange word fostering is helping me understand.