GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

Forgive me, I'm having a bit of a rant.

 Transitioning from female to male is challenging enough, our newest and eldest foster child is doing it, and he (he chooses to identify as 'he') is a hero. His heroism includes his courage in the face of politicians and newspapers who are whipping up protest about the process, all for their personal gain.

Twas ever thus…

I'm forever shaking my head about pople who know less than nothing (by which I mean the things that they think they know are untrue), and enjoy using them to stop other people, who they've never met, doing what they choose to do with their own lives.

They keep banging on that they're "Only trying to help"

At one Blue Sky training session we talked about people's behaviour towards others. We heard about a psychologist called Eric Berne who'd spent much of his time researching why people behave towards others in ways they themselves don't understand. 

He called his book "Transactional Analysis". It sold 3000 copies. A few years later he tweaked the writing and called it "Games People Play" and it sold 300,000 copies.

That's what you call a good psychologist.

His basic belief is that people spend most of their time trying to get the better of others. It sounds rotten of us, but he points out that way back in history early men and women needed to be top dog to get the mate they wanted. So there'd be lots of squabbling and fighting going on.

Now that we're civilised we have to find other ways to feel we've bested someone, but the behaviour is just as persistent as when we lived in caves.

What Eric Berne did was to identify different ways in which people go about besting others, and put them into categories. You'll recognise people you know in a minute.

Might even spot yourself…

One category - and I had a colleague who did this all the time - is called "Why Don't You? Yes but.."

What she would do is tell colleagues about a problem she had and ask for their help/advice. But she always had an answer for why none of the suggestions could work. Example;

Her: "I'm going to struggle to get in for 9.30 tomorrow. My car has to go in for new brakes and the garage doesn't open until 9.00"

Us: "Could you leave your car outside the garage and put the keys through the letter box?"

Her; "Yes, but there's no parking in the street"

Us: "Could you drop your car off at the garage tonight on your way home?"

Her; "Yes but I don't finish here until 5.00 and the garage closes at 4.30"

It would go until we ran out of ideas, then we'd say;

Us: "Gosh, you really do have a problem."

And she'd smile a triumphant grin and say;

Her; "Yes!" and go happily on her way, having bested us.

Eric Berne identified about a dozen common strategies that people use day in, day out, to feel on top.

Others include "Wooden Leg". In Wooden Leg the person habitually says to their family, friends and colleagues "What do you expect from someone with a wooden leg/unhappy childhood/dependent mother/eating disorder etc". Sometimes children in care play this one.

The game that's being played by politicians and press who are making capital denouncing trans people is called "I'm Only Trying To Help You".

In this game the player pretends they're being helpful while they're actually doing the opposite. They know deep down that if they persist in giving bad 'help' the victim's situation will deteriorate and they'll need more 'help'. Appearing 'helpful' makes the player look good and caring. The more 'help' the victim needs the worse their situation becomes.

If and when a trans person comes a cropper 'helpers' can single that person out and claim it as a victory for those who tried to 'help' and weren't heeded.

Oh and by the way…

The Game played by good foster carers is called "Busman's Holiday". An example of Busman's Holiday is the ear-nose and throat doctor who spends his two week holiday doing voluntary work in a Rwandan hospital. He returns to work more refreshed and with better stories than if he'd hung out on a beach in the Maldives.

We're friends with a couple who have several holidays a year. They're always playing golf, spending the weekend in the Cotswolds, throwing dinner parties. And are, to be honest, a bit lost in life, and miserable. I don't go any further than our front gate any more, I've nothing to 'get away from'.

I'm happy with my lot.

I foster.