We've had Alicia with us now for the best part of 2 months. She's a charming person. She identifies as female and her preferences are good enough for me. She's given to occassional wobblies. such as a couple of nights ago.
She'd been off school that day. Her ailment was nothing straighforward such as a sore throat or a tummy ache.
Foster parents often, I'd go as far as to say almost always, have particular challenges when it comes to trying to pursuade someone else's child to get up and go to school, especially if they're new.
When the child is your own child it's easier. Still diffficult, but not so difficult. For one; you know the child inside out. Most children try to be a bit of a closed book, especially as they enter the teens. They try to keep to themselves things such as feelings about peer pressures, being bullied, disliking a particular teacher or lesson, fears about flunking, or simply finding school a bit of a scary waste of time.
If you can second-guess the problem thanks to having insight you're on the road to some sort of solution to the problem.
But with a child you've only know for 8 weeks it's hard to read the runes. There's not much point asking the daft old question "What's the matter?" because a) they won't say or b) they don't really know or understand their problem themselves.
Alicia is transitioning. Alicia has recently been removed from an abusive, chaotic family home and placed with a strange family; us. We're only just getting a picture of what life was like for her first 14 years. The feeling among ourselves (me and the social workers on her case) is that she's carrying quite a few horrors.
The priority is Alicia. School or a day off. The blunt fact is that there's nothing in the day of a massive school that's likely to ease the mind of an upset teenager.
So. It's a schoolday. Alicia is a no-show for breakfast. I go up and knock on her door. I get the reply;
"Not going in."
All you can do is interpret the 3 words. They were said with certainty, with a layer of emotion, which meant that…she was not going in. But as her foster mum, it's right to try to get the child in. You have to, it's borderline the law.
"Are you OK? It's Art today. You like Art, Miss Pettifer says your paintings are brilliant."
No response.
"It's spag boll tonight, your favourite."
If you're a foster parent you'll recognise the valiant effort on my part, and know it's 90% doomed.
Here's the thing - and I can barely admit it, but it's a big truth - a piece of me wanted to keep Alicia home for the day.
Why? Because I've almost always found that having your foster child take the occassional day off school and being alone with their foster parent, is golden. No-one else in the house to distract. If you get it right it's a fantastic opportunity to strengthen the bond between yourself and the child.
I phoned the school and told them Alicia was unwell. I shouted up to her that I'd done that, which I know she found a release because it meant the deal was done. However, it wasn't plain sailing…I couldn't leave her in the house alone so she had to accompany me on the school run with the my other 2 kids, so we invented a game where Alicia would duck down if she thought she saw a fellow schoolmate at a bus stop or crossing the road. Quality hi-jinks.
When a foster child take a day off school you need your cupboard meals because there's no nipping out to the shops. So it would be penne and Dolmio that night, spag boll could wait. When we got back from the school run I suggested Alicia brought her duvet downstairs and snuggle up in the back room and I'd make a nice breakfast. I knew I was in for an interesting day, and Alicia, being bright as a button, knew she was in for some quality TLC, and a bit of mild grilling.
It was a healthy bi-partisan arrangement.
Game on!
To be continued...
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