LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF

 In fostering you get quiet moments.

Not a lot of them, but by golly they're welcome.

Fostering is hectic enough without us foster parents keeping up the pressure on oursleves when we get the house to ourselves or some other breather from the hurley-burley.

You have to make the most of "me-time" when it comes along.

Blue Sky are always advising us foster parents to look after ourselves, because, they say, if we foster parents aren't at the top of our game our fostering won't be at its best.

I seem to use our kitchen table as my oasis. When I've got everyone to school I make myself a cup of coffee and sit at the table with a scrap of paper and make a shopping list. I don't really need a list, it's all part of the therapy. Creating order.

Here's the thing; when I'm chilling at the kitchen table, and our foster children are at home, they notice and are drawn for a chat.

Chatting with one's foster child; golden moments. 

I know a fine foster parent who, every day after school, insists her foster children each have five minutes with her talking about their day and their life and times. It works for her, and presumably the kids, so good luck.

I prefer it when the child comes to me, wanting to talk.

Andrea was seven when she came to us, and became a huge fan of joining me at the table. 

It didn't matter that there were cartoons on the telly, or that she was in banana territory (one banana up to but not nearer than an hour before tea). If I was sat at the kitchen table she would drift, casually, but with purpose, towards the table. 

And end up on one of the chairs. 

Her choice.

I'd often have a little pile of blank paper and some felt tips, and I'd doodle some silly images. Andrea would silently copy me.

I'd chuck out a deliberately flattering remark such as "Next time you're in the living room tell me if you think the fishtank needs cleaning". 

Then I'd fall silent. There'd usually be a long pause, then she'd kick in;

"When am I going home?"

"Is my mummy alright?"

"Why am I here?"

I would answer as best I could, as we foster parents answer all the enormous questions that foster children ask.

Andrea had been neglected. As I understand it (and I'm only a foster carer) , there are four offences a child can be removed from their home for; physical, emotional or sexual abuse, and neglect.

I once had a child who'd been subjected to all four, I won't detain you with that, not today. Except to say that thanks to fostering; thanks to our care and Blue Sky, that child is now ok. Or at least as ok as any of us can be.

Back to Andrea. Neglect is an insideous cruelty. The parent often genuinely doesn't believe they've done anything wrong. They haven't physically harmed the child; but they've ignored the child's need for love, care, engagement, play, nurture… that stuff.

Andrea had learned to feed herself.

Alright, this bit is shocking, but it's fostering.

Andrea learned that the five dogs in the house got fed every morning and evening, and that if she was canny she could get some scrapings - at risk of a bite - when they were going at their bowls.

All this stuff came out at the oasis that's my kitchen table.

Andrea's 'partner' - not Andrea's father, some bloke - was moved on and took his pack of dogs with him and Andrea went home.

As far as I know Andrea is ok.

And at my kitchen table quiet times go on...